Recently, while on a surprisingly good dinner date with the new man in my life, I was drinking my glass of red wine when he held my hand admiringly and looked deep into my eyes and said, “You make me want to be a better person.”  I sat there blindsided by the unexpected praise I had just received and I looked up at him and responded with, “That has to be the best compliment I’ve ever gotten in my entire life.”  He looked at me with his warm eyes as he gave me a kiss on my forehead before cutting into his steak.   What should have been the most romantic moment in my life, quickly turned into one of the most embarrassing as we both burst out in laughter in the quiet restaurant for we both realized at that very moment that aside from him not commenting on my housedress or screaming our order to a waiter, we had both guiltily paraphrased lines from the film, As Good as it Gets. Surprisingly, this hasn’t been the first time I had experienced this bout of cinematic déjà vu.

Throughout the years of my endless dating, I have become a veteran of spotting re-enactments of passionate (and not so passionate) moments from the silver screen in my own sorry love life.  One man I dated always used Sly Stallone’s quotes from movies that I found myself humming ‘Eye of the Tiger’ in the entire span of our short relationship.  Another man doted on my six different smiles, not knowing I was also giving him a seventh smile that I like to call the “I can’t believe you’re stealing Topher Grace’s beyond cheesy monologue from Win a Date with Tad Hamilton” smile.  And let’s not forget the “winner” I dated who thought reciting a line from Austin Powers: Goldmember in bed was a turn-on.  (I will not say which line, but it did involve the word ‘tiger.’)

Although it may seem like only Jerry Seinfeld and I have experienced these blatantly plagiarised moments in our love lives, yet sadly over the years of listening to my girlfriends gush over their seemingly perfect men who always happen to profess their love to them in ever so lengthy monologues, I discovered how common these “moments” really are.  Recently, one of my girlfriends bragged about how her new boyfriend told her that he loves how she looks when she’s looking out of the window because when she looks out the window, she’s looking at the world and trying to understand it.  My other friends gasped with jealously as they all longed for a man as deep and as profound as hers.  I just simply asked her afterwards if he had also mentioned her love for pizza chips in his speech.  Needless to say, my inquiry had made her question my marijuana consumption rather than question why her boyfriend had stolen Shia Lebeouf’s endearing yet equally creepy monologue from Disturbia.

Despite the fact that men have been notorious for stealing lines from films to impress women, women have been also known to lift lines from movies as  well thought-out tactics of emotional blackmail over current or former lovers. Even I had successfully adopted the phrase, “Why can’t I quit you?” as my own to make an emotionally-handicapped ex-boyfriend feel guilty because I knew he was far too homophobic to have ever watched the film about two male cowboys in love. (Shameful but true!)

Living in a time where we can “booty-text” an interested party simply by sending a question mark, it has just become far too easy to lack creativity in our love lives and especially in our words to our past, present and future lovers.  It’s as if we are starting to believe that romance can only be truly kept alive if it looks and sounds as glamorous as it does on the big screen. Romance does not require you to regurgitate lines from cheesy rom-coms.  It requires effort and devotion to keep that flare and interest there and unfortunately laziness can make us take it all for granted at times.

Women should not assume that reciting Julia Roberts’ “I’m just a girl” speech in Notting Hill to a man will give them more than strange looks and restraining orders.  Men should also not assume that they can get away with stealing lines from any movie that does not involve Nicholas Sparks or Stephenie Meyer’s names in it to impress women.  Just be creative, confident and most importantly, be yourself because if you’re not willing to sound stupid, you’re not worthy of falling in love.  (And in fear of sounding like a complete hypocrite, I will openly admit that quote is from A Lot like Love. )

I laid there still in the darkness praying It didn’t sense I was awake. Struggling for air, I had managed to relief myself from my claustrophobic situation by taking in a very brief deep breath.  After the momentary relief had passed, I knew had to muster up the courage to finally free myself from its grasp.  Slowly, I shifted myself further and further from its dormant body as I silently pleaded to the Gods to not disturb It from its slumber.  As soon as I escaped its tight kung-fu grip, I let out a sigh of relief for my newfound freedom. The moment proved to be fleeting as it wrapped its hairy legs around me and whispered in my ear, “I can spend forever laying here with you.”  Although you may think that I was taken hostage by a violent Yeti, it was in fact something far worse and far more terrifying I was dealing with: a needy Mr. Nice Guy. Or as I like to call them, a No Intense Connection Ever Guy.

By the time a single woman is in her mid-to-late twenties, she has probably had a lot of years wasted on her inevitable “bad boy” phase in her life with only bed sheets cloaked in the scent of Acqua di Gio cologne and mass amounts of empty wine bottles from countless nights of discussing with her girlfriends about how much of an as*hole her jerk boyfriend is to show for it.   However, there come a time when a woman will crave for some stability in her love life and that is when the “Mr. Nice Guy” will suddenly show up and appear to be the man she has always wished for…or so that’s what it seems.

Onscreen, nice guys are usually every woman’s dream come true. They are humble even though they rock six-pack abs and award-winning smiles, they are physically strong even though they are sensitive and they most likely can do no wrong.  This glamorization of the archetypal “Mr. Nice Guy” unfortunately makes women crave for a man like this in real-life and gives men the deluded reassurance that they can somehow relate to these fictional roles like women who constantly relate themselves to the Sex and the City characters.

Yet, just like a seemingly safe prescription drug, women quickly find out the side effects of dating a Mr. Nice Guy may include nauseating texts, verbal diarrhea, infidelity itch, dry genitals, “snorgasms” and heart ache. It’s enough to make a woman yearn for the days when she would take on the impossible task of desperately trying to get her sleazy f*ck buddy into a relationship with her. (Not like I’m speaking from personal experience, of course.)

So why am I ripping on these supposedly sweet men you may be wondering? It all stemmed from one night at a pub with my ultimate “bad boy” ex-boyfriend. (Every woman’s got one.)  When the topic of nice guys vs. bad boys came up, he took a hard triple shot of Irish whiskey and turned to me and said, “Serena, nice guys are just as bad for women as bad boys are.  They prey on vulnerable women by acting as empathetic shoulders to cry on, guilt-trip them through their passive-aggressive behaviour and they put down other men to make themselves look better.  So call me a wolf, at least I’m not wearing sheep’s clothing.”  (I’m paraphrasing this of course as there were many drunken hiccups and colourful adjectives I decided to leave out.)

Despite the fact right after that conversation my ex decided to fight a young man pointing a laser pointer at a dart board, I couldn’t deny his moment of clarity about relationships in his drunken stupor.  I realized right there that nice guys are not as “nice” as they appear to be in films and on television. Nice guys are not as suave as Boris Kodjoe in Brown Sugar, as caring as Jacob in New Moon and as perfect as John Corbett in well…anything. Rather in most cases, nice guys are jaded from constant rejection, insecure and needy.  However, movies unfortunately do not focus on these negative traits for Jason Biggs would still have a blooming film career if they did.

It is important to know that ‘nice’ doesn’t always mean ‘good.’ A man doesn’t have to treat a woman like a princess or a piece of animal excrement to get her attention.  All he has to do is have confidence in himself, behave like a challenge and avoid being compared to the character Aidan Shaw at all times in order to avoid from being put into the “Nice” category. If not, he will never stop hearing “You’re a really nice guy, but…” and Alice Cooper’s No More Mr. Nice Guy will become a personal mantra rather than just being an outdated song and nobody should EVER have to endure that.

Back in 1985, Pat Benatar taught us how ‘love was a battlefield’ in her then top-charting single that can now still be heard during Amateur Night at drag bars worldwide.  Unfortunately because the music video’s key concern was showing girls how to glamorize prostitution and how to get rid of a pimp by throwing water in his face and ‘serving’ him in a poorly-choreographed dance off, the message of the song’s lyrics were misinterpreted by many.  However, I personally do not think love is a battlefield, but rather just an exasperating game of Battleship.

A few nights ago, I found myself playing the age old game of relationship Battleship. Although not surrounded by peg-filled water, but rather filled seats at a movie theatre, I decided to release my ‘B2’ move: coyly twirling my cherry Twizzler in my mouth.  My date strained his eyes to view the licorice in his peripheral. Hit. My ‘C2’ move simply consisted of uncrossing and re-crossing my legs and “accidently” brushing my leg against his for a split second.  He re-adjusted his position in his seat and clenched his fist. Hit.  Then came the coup de grace, move ‘D2’: I subtly let out a sigh that could be easily mistaken as a small moan if his mind was somewhere else other than the film and reached deep into the barely edible crumbs of popcorn at the bottom of the bag sitting in his lap.  He looked over at me and ran his hand up my leg and gave me a seducing look. Hit. I sunk his submarine. This move reassured me a second date or at least the best goodnight kiss of my life.

On the other hand, this is always one of the easiest ships to sink when it comes to men. (Easiest being the patrol boat which mainly just consists of two moves: Being alone and taking off your clothes.) Although, trying to sink his “aircraft carrier” can prove to be a nearly unattainable task to achieve since unlike a regular game of Battleship, one wrong move could abruptly end the game.  All I have to do is send him a text message with one too many LOL’s, tell him I love his lips, (*a phrase too closely linked to ‘I love you’) or have the rotten luck of having him read this article to miss hitting any of his ships all together.  If that happens, the only thing I will be sinking from then on in is my large wooden spoon into a pint of Cookie Dough Dynamo Haagan Daz ice cream.  Yup, dating can be much like playing a Russian Roulette version of Battleship and really where is the fun in that?

Relating Battleship to relationships is a fair analogy considering all the games people play in order to catch or maintain relationships.  Many movies have addressed these common issues of strategically timed hair-flipping and phone calls and have unfortunately added more rules to our love lives further skewing our judgements even further.

According to The Ugly Truth, a woman has to dress like a slut, wear Jessica Simpson’s line of hair extensions and stick phallic symbols in her mouth (*refer back to move ‘B2’ above) to build a strong relationship, when in reality all that would come out of that is a glorified booty call.

Hitch taught us that any man can get the girl of his dreams if his gestures are grand enough.  Unfortunately in real-life, all a guy has to do to miss hitting a woman’s battleship is to recommend her to watch the show Glee on Wednesday nights in a far too enthusiastic manner.

In Two Can Play That Game, “so-called’ relationship expert Shante Smith (played by Vivica A. Fox) takes her female viewers on a journey into her ten day plan on how to repair a broken relationship and have the man behave as well.  Sadly, if any poor soul followed her plan down to every explicit detail, they would find it hard getting back into their ex’s Twitter account, let alone his heart.

Lastly, Kate Hudson showed us how to lose a guy in 10 days.  Funny considering all it really takes is for a girl to ask a guy, ‘what he is thinking?’ twice in less than half an hour to make men jet.

It’s as if we have adopted these ludicrous rules quicker than an obsessive compulsive person can adopt a new superstition and that’s really depressing if you ask me.  It makes it nearly impossible to enjoy the thrills of dating someone new when the longevity of the thrills could end faster than picking the wrong choice in a Choose Your Own Adventure Book. (Except you can’t pretend you didn’t see the words ‘The End’ and go back to where you previously left off.)

Dating shouldn’t be this complicated. We shouldn’t have to always strive for someone who appears to be slightly out of reach.  We should be able to tell a person we like them and not have to play hard to get to make them like us more.  It’s not organic and it’s not our real selves. Considering all the violence and disasters in the world today which constantly reminds us how short life really is, I find it amazing how we still have the time to wait three days to call somebody we like.

Break the pattern! DO hate the player and ignore the game. Don’t let movies, television or Milton Bradley for that matter make you think game-playing is a compulsory task in order to build a successful relationship.  Like Beatrix Kiddo in Kill Bill had once so eloquently put it, “Tricks are for kids.”

P.S. Pat Benatar, if you throw a glass of water in a pimp’s face and dance around him, you have a serious death wish. I’m just saying.

Why Women Should Stay Away from ‘TWILIGHT’

Last year, I was forcibly introduced to the world of Twilight when I heard my friend talking about it one day.  I was floored by how an upcoming movie about vampires and werewolves went completely over my horror radar.  I felt sheepish until I ‘googled’ its origins and realized why I hadn’t heard of this tween-porn and just wrote it off.  Who knew that the world would be taken over by a Twilight phenomenon/pandemic six months later? Twilight was never supposed to get this big. It looked like it was simply meant to be a high brow straight to DVD film. Instead it turned the media world into complete chaos and because of that, females of many different ages fell into the beautiful lies Twilight created to make us believe about Bella and Edward’s intense karmic connection. Funny how so many women avoid or are completely unaware of the many flaws and bullsh*t they eat up from the series, but today is the day I am going to attempt to open their eyes to see how using Twilight as a guide book/film to dating will only bring disappointment to your love life.

Bella is no one a Girl should aspire to be like

Every girl who has read and enjoyed the Twilight saga has mainly liked it for the same reason why girls love Sex and the City and that is because they somehow relate to the main character. Like a generic breakup ballad from Mariah Carey, many girls instantly come to the conclusion that the writer is writing about them. I’m sorry to say this, but Bella is a walking contradiction. Stephenie Meyers wants us to believe that Bella is a lonely, awkward and clumsy teenage girl who is smarter than her peers, yet somehow has every guy around her lusting for her and is also able to make a group of friends on her first day of school? Give me a break! High school politics are harsh and simple. You can’t be a lonely, awkward popular girl. It just doesn’t happen. Unless she was the school’s only pot dealer, (which would make sense with casting Kristen Stewart in the role) the scenario would never come to be.

In fact, Bella is probably a glamorized version of Ms. Meyers in high school who used to daydream to and from school about guys admiring her and who used to read her copy of Wuthering Heights every night to distract her from crying about not being invited to a party. Bella Swan is not a special girl with a certain “je ne sais quoi.” She’s Pamela Anderson. Is that who you want to aspire to be like? Pamela Anderson? I didn’t think so.

Sends the Wrong Message about Sex

Watching Edward and Bella constantly in sexual frustration during the first Twilight film was an eye-rolling experience. Here we’re supposed to believe that Stephenie Meyers is sending a good message about sexual feelings in teenagers and how they can control them. I’m sorry, but there’s only so much proverbial “dry-humping” a horny teenage couple can withstand. Ironically, these teasing moments on screen and in the book prove to be porn for females as women get off on sensuality far more than men do. I for one do not buy this neutered love story as a vampire oozes with sexuality. They crave sex as much as they crave blood. We’re supposed to believe Edward is willing to endure a bad case of blue balls every night? Sorry, I don’t buy it. If this happened in real-life, Edward would have already had Bella in the sack and she would have learned that he unfortunately moves lightning speed in the bedroom as well and just wrote him off as just an experimental phase she was going through.

Promotes an Unhealthy Form of Co-dependency

Bella and Edward may seem like they have acquired an envious romance between each other, but it’s all an illusion. They get so wrapped into each other, that they forget about all those around them. Bella’s friends and father are just background noise to her. Edward is just a loner who thinks he’s better than everybody around him. If these two shallow individuals had any sense of identity, (which they DON’T) it would have been lost faster than Lindsay Lohan’s virginity.

As soon as they find each other, their school life completely disappears and all they talk about is sharing their bouts of depressions from being misunderstood. This does not sound like “star-crossed lovers” but in fact, it sounds like two loners preparing to shoot their peers in a high school massacre.

The Story is Told from Bella’s Deluded Perspective

‘With his thick luscious lips formed in a perfect ‘O’ formation, he blew out a flawless ring of marijuana smoke that hovered over our heads. As he took his finger and shot it through the centre of his ingenious creation, I gasped from the rapture of undeniable joy as I felt like an arrow had also simultaneously been shot in my heart.’ This is an excerpt from my diary when I was eighteen years old. I ‘loved’ a pot dealer and couldn’t tell the difference between a ‘rapture of undeniable joy’ from just a really good buzz. Yet somehow I was still able to romanticize my chance encounters with Mr. Stoner and that should tell you right there that eighteen year old girls are morons when it comes to matters of the heart.

In Twilight, the whole story is shown through Bella’s doe eyes and because of that, the readers and audience members are subjected to every passionate adjective found in MS Word’s thesaurus to describe Edward in the rest of the book and film. Couldn’t it be possible if the film was shown a different and more honest perspective that the events could have changed? What if the guys that look like they were going to gang-rape Bella were actually just whistling at her walking by and Edward started wailing on them for no reason? What if Edward’s collection of classical music solely consists of a ‘Best of Mozart’ CD right beside his twelve seasons of South Park DVD box sets? Never trust an eighteen year old girl about the subject of love. Plain and simple.

Edward Cullen should not be fantasized about

One of the things annoying me so much about this Twilight craze is the obsession of the character Edward Cullen. Somehow, the character has become so desired that it has misled women world wide into thinking that Robert Pattinson is far more attractive than he really is. I find this especially mind-boggling considering this character is no one a woman should be fantasizing about with a heavy-duty shower head in their hands. Let’s review Mr. Cullen’s flaws for those in need of a reality check and a break from the “shower.”

He sparkles.

He stalks.

He watches Bella in bed while she sleeps.

He’s emotionally-crippled.

He’s manipulative.

He refuses to have sex in fear of killing Bella.

He reminds Bella he could eat her at any time.

Take away the fangs and the sparkles and you’ve got yourself a future abusive husband, a gay man or a combination of any of my ex-boyfriends on your hands. Sexy, right?

It Glamorizes Teenage Suicide

I know that heading may sound a little extreme, but ever since I’ve seen the latest umpteenth trailer for New Moon when both characters attempt to kill themselves, I have wondered about how many teenagers have thought about how ‘romantic’ their actions are in the sequel. Is the message we really want to send out? When a guy leaves you, become an adrenaline junkie instead? Really? Thank god I’m not a teenager anymore.

Your Rebound Guy Does Not Look Like Jacob

Sooner or later, a girl will have to make an uncomfortable decision in her love life. Do we choose the shallow, emotionally-retarded and abusive ex boyfriend or do we opt for the deep, caring and nurturing rebound instead? Believe it or not, it is sadly a very hard decision to make for most girls. However, I can pretty much guarantee you that the decision would be easier if all rebound Mr. Nice Guys looked like Jacob. Think about all the good decisions you’d make and future mistakes you could avoid?

A Picture Says A Thousand Words….

Finally, let’s take a look at this New Moon poster. Besides its cheesy modern day rendition of Romeo and Juliet, there is something to be said about the body language in this poster as well. In the picture, Bella looks like as she’s in pre-orgasmic bliss from her recent “dry-humping” session with Edward. Edward looks cold and distant and he also makes sure the eyes are always on him. In short, he looks like a douche bag. However, it’s his strong and “Ike Turner-like” grip on Bella’s back that causes women to go nuts. They see this as a sign of true passion and sexual attraction, yet all I see is a jealous and overprotective douche who might as well have peed around Bella to mark his god damn territory. So romantic!

Now before any of you Twi-hard fans lose your sh*t over how I’m defecating on the beloved Twilight mythology, it should be noted that I don’t really care. Yup, I don’t care if you throw details about Eclipse and Breaking Dawn that you think contradict what I have mentioned above. I don’t care if you call me an idiot for saying all these negative things when New Moon is fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. I especially don’t care if you like the film or not. If you like CGI wolves and sparkling vampires onscreen, then be my guest. I won’t judge. However, it just seems like far too many women are too emulated by the romanticism in the franchise rather than focusing on the harsh reality of their own current relationships. Will this article be the catalyst for change? Most likely no, but as long as this reaches a few readers, I did my job.  Until next time Twi-hards!

Send any additional questions or comments to serena@killerfilm.com

You are about to enter a bedroom. The pillows are tossed. Red wine is uncorked, half-chugged and spilling onto the white carpet that just had been cleaned from previous spills. Glass has shattered against the Playstation 2 on the floor right beside the unscathed Playstation 3 right beside it.  Mascara is smeared all over a hysterical woman who seems to be pulling her hair out in huge chunks. Although what I have described to you might sound like a horrific crime scene, rest assured that it couldn’t be further than the truth.  It is not a day of sanguinary mayhem, but in fact is simply just a regular Tuesday night in my bedroom drunkenly roaming my on and off again manwhore’s facebook recent wall posts.  Welcome to the pity party. Make yourself at home and excuse me while I find some salt to soak up the umpteenth f*cking wine stain on my recently cleaned carpet. (Goddamn Facebook!)

Did I always use to be this erratic you may be asking? No. Three years ago, I probably wouldn’t have smashed glass on my Playstation 2, but “man-whores” have always brought out the worst in me.  However, I’ve always known deep down my life would consist of “man-whores.”  My fate was sealed the day I named Robert Rusler as my first official crush after seeing him pantsing Anthony Michael Hall in Weird Science.

According to The Online Slang Dictionary, the definition of a “man-whore” is ‘a man who is much like a slut.’ Or like a woman on the web so eloquently put it: her best friend’s fiancé.  If this expression makes you stifle some laughter it’s probably because of the many movies and television shows that have brainwashed us to not only condone this pitiless behavior but to applaud it as well.

Typically on the big and small screen, “man-whores” consist of grown up and devilishly handsome early 90’s heartthrobs with custom-made three piece suits, condoms of steel, ridiculous catch phrases, the ability to make the word ‘y’all’ sound sexy, (yes McConaughey I’m talking about you) and a laugh track or applauding men in a theatre following their tasteless “booty call” shenanigans.  Unfortunately in the real world, the only couture most “man-whores” own are their hat collections, the rhythm method is used far more than in Brangelina’s bedroom and the only thing that remotely compares them to McConaughey is their marijuana usage.

Although, some “man-whore” behavior is strangely similar in both the land of fiction and in reality.  The ridiculous catch phrases (not even Barney Stinson on How I met Your Mother could get away with) are used and the laugh track usually belongs to the “man-whore’s” less attractive entourage who follow him where ever he goes. So the question is, How are we letting these men get away with this jackass debauchery?

As always, I blame the many rom-com pieces of crap films that allow CBS actors to cash in on hefty paychecks during their hiatus and allow women to believe that “man-whores” could actually change their ways. (When will women learn that romantic comedies are only made to promote fantasies that can never become reality?) Even with this knowledge, women still try to romanticize their unworthy objects of affection.  Suddenly, a guy staying ten minutes after he’s gotten post orgasmic disgust means he cares, his hostility from his breakup from over 7 years ago means he’s simply “misunderstood” to the rest of the world, and the time he held your hand in public instantly makes up for all the times he never said those three little words you’ve yearned to hear for far too long. (Doesn’t sound too legendary now does it?)

Movies like Alfie and Vanilla Sky are probably the closest films I’ve seen that dealt with the real repercussions of a “man-whore’s” actions. However, I can probably count the people on both my hands that actually sat through both those films. Was is it because both films were indeed boring or was it because that they pointed out the fact that when men use women like glorified sex toys, that it actually hurts the women? (I’m sensing a little of both.)

Both men and women need to wake the hell up when it comes to this subject. Heart-broken women need to not let that those sexy tweets foreshadowing their “manwhore’s” next sexually transmitted disease ruin their days, and men need to stop this behavior if only to save a woman’s Ipod playlist. T-Pain didn’t make an ‘I’m in love with a man whore’ anthem for the ladies. All we’re left with is Carly Simon’s You’re so Vain. (I mean really…what the f*ck does ‘clouds in my coffee’ mean anyway?)

As for me, well…I’m still dealing with one of my ongoing on and off again “man-whore” sagas, but now I’m starting to practice what I preach. However, now that I have invested in waterproof mascara, a stress ball and “half the fat” Haagen Daz ice cream, it seems a little easier to deal with it. Until next time….

P.S. After writing this article, I finally googled what “clouds in my coffee” mean. Here’s Carly’s explanation: “Clouds in my coffee” are the confusing aspects of life and love. That which you can’t see through, and yet seems alluring…until. Like a mirage that turns into a dry patch. Perhaps there is something in the bottom of the coffee cup that you could read like tea leaves or coffee grinds.” Hmm…sound like there was a special sort of leaf in Carly’s cup when she wrote this song.

Since we were old enough to discover late night Cinemax and penetration shots in slightly visible yet fully audible scrambled porn, we have been captivated by the fairly allusive female orgasm. The orgasm has always been deemed as a revered and ambitious goal that seems to always be achieved even in the cheapest of film productions.  Whether it’s a scene with a porn star using her double-jointed kegel muscles or a scene from a sensual romantic drama, the end result is always the same—a woman digging her perfectly manicured acrylic nails into the back of the man who has successfully made the woman climax in tune with her greatest Pavarotti impersonation with just a simple back spasm.

Unfortunately in the REAL world, orgasms do not come so readily. (No pun intended.) Take one of my last sexual encounters for example.  From my partner’s perspective, everything went according to plan. Although, I was not clinging onto his back in the throes of passion, but rather I was clinging onto my own ankles wondering what was the name of the actor who played the murderous child in Pet Semetary. (Mercury Rising was on in the background and it was driving me nuts!)  He mistook my look of perplexity with a licentious pre-orgasmic face and proceeded to convulse over me as if he were Callum Keith Rennie’s character in Californication getting an allergic reaction to tzatziki sauce.

He looked over at me inflamed with pride as he saw what appeared to be a look of instant gratification on my face. And that it was…I had at that exact moment figured out Miko Hughes’ name.

As pathetic as this unbelievable anecdote may sound, it is sadly a harsh reality for many unfulfilled women out there. It had me thinking about as to how so many women have let this travesty go on. It has been twenty years since Meg Ryan revealed to the world onscreen how any woman can acquire the thespian skills of Meryl Streep when it comes to faking an orgasm.

So why are so many women still continuing to play the erotic hot and cold game and giving up all hope when the guy is colder than Antarctica or Uranus? (Sorry…I had to.) Instead of being more vocal, most women seek a Costco-sizedpack of double AA batteries and guidance from overpriced Cosmopolitan magazines that only seem to be knowledgeable in articles on how to find a man’s perineum. (A sexual act that could only be practiced on seedy booty calls and once perfected…it shows.) Like breaking a cigarette in a full box of smokes, doing this is something one does not regret until much later. It leads to celebrity daydreams and an extensive quest for the perfect orgasm that makes Frodo and the hobbits’ perilous journey in the LOTR trilogy seem like a leisurely trip to the convenience store.

So does this explosive and extraordinary female climax exist? Of course it does. Unfortunately, a lot of people are far too concerned with how sex looks rather than how it feels in the moment. No one wants to admit this, but sexual partners tend to try to mirror or recreate steamy sex scenes onscreen and get disappointed when they don’t get the same results. (*Note to Ladies: If a man decides to play Phil Collin’s ‘Sussudio,’ in the background…run to the nearest exit!)

According to the silver screen, sex involves flawless hair and makeup, sturdy balance, well choreographed positions and climaxes in unison. In the real world, sex involves running mascara and bed hair, clumsiness, poor improvisation skills and the only time orgasms seem like they’re happening in unison is if a girl pulls a charlie horse right at the end.

The key to achieving the seemingly unattainable female orgasm is not from retaining more sex scenes from films in your brain than Mr. Skin, but it’s rather through laughter.  (As long as the laughing doesn’t start right when the man unzips his pants.) So many people take sex so seriously because there are so many unrealistic expectations to be reached, but if you’re comfortable with your partner and if you’re able to goof off and have fun with one another, then the chances of getting that orgasm becomes far greater.

It doesn’t matter if all you have for romantic ambiance is a dollar store tealight candle and 30 Seconds to Mars playing in the background, if you are comfortable with one another, it will happen. (Not like I’m speaking from personal experience of course…:P)

So stop hoping for that Dolby Surround Sound female orgasm exploited on the big screen because if you do, the only thing you will be able to relate to is the post-coital smoke afterwards.

Ever since we were old enough to watch a soap opera, a formulaic romantic comedy or open an ARCHIE comic, we have been captivated with the drama of the allusive “love triangle.” The “love triangle” is an ageless scenario that has become far more prominent in television shows and film today and even though the triangle aspect is far more tired than Flava Flav’s sense of style, it instantly hooks us in and becomes our Kryptonite.  Although, we all use the excuse that being addicted to watching the love triangle drama is merely just a guilty pleasure, it really is a visual for the narcissistic fantasy we all secretly manifest of having two people fighting for our affections.

Whether it be a brawl in a bar or a hair-pulling session in a vast pool of Jell-O, (or a half-naked light saber duel if you’re Adam Green) both men and women have thought at one time or another about two love interests battling for their hearts while playing “eenie meanie miney moe” to find out who would be the victor.

Of course, these are just hilarious daydreams that hold no merit whatsoever. Although we secretly want the fantasy, we never believe we will actually be in that situation.  However, by the time one hits their mid-twenties, they will be surprised when finding themselves in this “dilemma” and cursing how movies how romanticized these triangles for decades.

Like a prepubescent girl getting her period for the first time, finding yourself in a love triangle can be a surreal and exciting experience. Although you soon realize early on the “thrill” of it all dissipates faster than Vanessa Hudgen’s clothes, and all you’re left with in the end is moodiness, pain and a bloated love life. You start to wonder why you even yearned for this hopeless situation in the first place.

Now the reason why movies make love triangles so appealing and envy-worthy is not because of the “triangle” itself, but it’s rather the shape of the triangle that viewers find so pleasing.  I know there must be a bunch of you confused readers out there questioning if I’m smoking the reefer, (which is a fair assumption) but let me explain.  The most profitable and most watched “love triangle” films revolve around the “Isosceles Love Triangle.” This love triangleconsists of two love interests (one is usually an ex trying to redeem him/herself) that have an equal amount of love for the lead character.

Now in reality, isosceles love triangles rarely exist.  Although most people like to think their love triangles are shaped like Isosceles triangles, they’re actually more than likely to be shaped like a “Scalene triangle.”  You see, a “scalene love triangle” is when NO person holds the same amount of love for the so-called object of their affections. In most cases, there is an enormous amount of fondness for the ex that doesn’t deserve it and there is a lack of affection for the current love interest who would bend over backwards for you.  (Enticing ain’t it?)

Unfortunately, after years of watching Isosceles love triangles onscreen, we have a tendency to delude ourselves to think that maybe our sad scalene love triangles mean so much more than they really do.

Suddenly, that random facebook wall message left by your ex asking about your ‘in a relationship’ status becomes the biggest ‘grand gesture’ ever made since Dwayne Wayne stopped Whitley’s wedding in A Different World. (Loved that episode by the way!) After that, all your current boy/girlfriend has to do is simply miss reading one of your daily blogs to somehow ‘prove’ a tragic character flaw within themselves that may not make them the “ones” for you.

Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you these love triangles are not all that they’re cracked up to be. Earlier this year, I found myself in a situation where I jeopardized my relationship to be with an ex who had proven time and time again that the only serious commitment he would be able to make to me was purchasing the ‘family pack’ at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

It was seducing at first to be able to walk in Carrie Bradshaw’s shoes for once, (well metaphorically speaking anyways. I can’t afford Manolos.) but after all the self-inflicted drama and pain I had caused, I was ready to trade in my proverbial Manolos for my “no fuss and comfy as hell” Wal-Mart flip flops. I had lived vicariously through the actresses’ onscreen and had foolishly risked it all simply to experience their drama firsthand.  After that my love life became a ‘Bermuda love triangle’—lost and nowhere to be found.

Movies that romanticize love triangles rarely focus on the aftermath. I bet you if Sweet Home Alabama focused on the consequences of Reese Witherspoon leaving Patrick Dempsey at the altar for Josh Lucas, it would involve Dempsey playing Russian roulette on a bed with prostitutes sniffing coke off their asses and a devastated Witherspoon being jilted by Lucas promptly after a ‘roll in the hay.’

The lesson to be learned here is stop comparing yourself and your problematic love life to what you see on screen.  You are not Bella or Edward or Jacob. You are you and your love life is as complicated as you make it to be.  Avoid the love triangle drama, because if you don’t, the only isosceles love triangle you will ever experience will be between Haagen Daz and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. (Believe me…it’s no win situation. )

This theory of mine was brought to light after watching the “anti-rom com” 500 Days of Summer and reading the reviews for it from male film critics.  I was baffled by how many of them could not understand the Summer character. She was written in reviews as an ambiguous and free-spirited character, which although of was true, it did not explain the reasoning for her unhappiness towards her relationship. Summer simply just felt trapped in a passionless relationship with someone that was perfectly content with using passion for the same eclectic music as a life support ventilator.  Why was it so easy to see? If you’re female and into music and movies outside of the norm, it is pretty much guaranteed you are the love/wrath of some poor male movie geek’s life.

Being a huge horror movie geek, this is a story I know all a little too well. Making friends is easy enough. However the second I reveal my love for Tom Holland films, my ability to connect Edwige Fenech to Kevin Bacon in five seconds, or my adoration to Fred Dekker for using Marshall Bell as an important cameo in his Tales From the Crypt episode And All Through the House, it’s as if I had just paraphrased the chorus of Digital Underground’s Humpty Hump to the male movie geek friend and then all bets are off. Immediately everything I say or do is misconstrued as a means of flirting and everything becomes extreme awkward afterwards which always leads to me paraphrasing Robert Palmer’s I Didn’t Mean to Turn You On to get myself out of a sticky situation. Seriously, one time I had an idiotic and unfaithful girlfriend of a well-known horror movie director try to make my life a living hell all because she was adamant of the fact that I was somehow trying to steal her meal ticket away from her. (However, that`s a story for another day.)

I know it may sound like I`m being smug, but it honestly doesn`t take much for ANY female movie geek to attract the attention of a male one. If a girl decides to wear a “zombie vs. shark“ shirt, she might as well as spritzed on a sample of Love Potion number 9, and if she dare wear it at a film convention, she should prepare herself to make like Tate Donovan and get the hell out of there.

So why do certain male movie fanatics act like this? My theory is that men see non-gothic female movie buffs as fictional as the leprechaun or lipstick lesbo. The second they meet a girl that is nice to them and has the same passion for the odd and rarely seen films as they do, it`s as if the delusion of `chemistry` and a future relationship has already entered their heads. It`s enough to make aficionadas want to race to the bookstore to buy anything by Stephanie Meyers to use as repellent.

So guys, if you find yourself heart-broken and rejected by a female movie enthusiast who seems more interested in the douche who thinks Timothy Dalton was the ultimate James Bond, ask yourself what else do you have in common with this person? Are you attracted to anything about this person that is non-superficial? Or are you…(gulp) trying to use her to fill in the void that`s missing in your life? It may sound harsh, but like a character once said in 500 Days of Summer, “Just because some cute girl likes the bizarre old crap you do, it doesn`t make her your soul mate.“

If more male film geeks lived by this, I guarantee you more women film geeks would come out of hiding and then maybe the idea of hooking up with a movie geekette would not seem as captivating anymore. Treat the female movie fans like you would treat the rest of your buds.  Don`t project an unreasonable set of expectations on her. If there`s a spark, then let it take its natural course. Just don`t suffer from the delusion that she`s your kindred spirit because you have the same love for Demonic Toys films. Trust me; it will save you much time, pain and money spent on a Full Moon pictures box set trying to impress an aficionada if you do.