Why Women Should Stay Away from ‘TWILIGHT’

Last year, I was forcibly introduced to the world of Twilight when I heard my friend talking about it one day.  I was floored by how an upcoming movie about vampires and werewolves went completely over my horror radar.  I felt sheepish until I ‘googled’ its origins and realized why I hadn’t heard of this tween-porn and just wrote it off.  Who knew that the world would be taken over by a Twilight phenomenon/pandemic six months later? Twilight was never supposed to get this big. It looked like it was simply meant to be a high brow straight to DVD film. Instead it turned the media world into complete chaos and because of that, females of many different ages fell into the beautiful lies Twilight created to make us believe about Bella and Edward’s intense karmic connection. Funny how so many women avoid or are completely unaware of the many flaws and bullsh*t they eat up from the series, but today is the day I am going to attempt to open their eyes to see how using Twilight as a guide book/film to dating will only bring disappointment to your love life.

Bella is no one a Girl should aspire to be like

Every girl who has read and enjoyed the Twilight saga has mainly liked it for the same reason why girls love Sex and the City and that is because they somehow relate to the main character. Like a generic breakup ballad from Mariah Carey, many girls instantly come to the conclusion that the writer is writing about them. I’m sorry to say this, but Bella is a walking contradiction. Stephenie Meyers wants us to believe that Bella is a lonely, awkward and clumsy teenage girl who is smarter than her peers, yet somehow has every guy around her lusting for her and is also able to make a group of friends on her first day of school? Give me a break! High school politics are harsh and simple. You can’t be a lonely, awkward popular girl. It just doesn’t happen. Unless she was the school’s only pot dealer, (which would make sense with casting Kristen Stewart in the role) the scenario would never come to be.

In fact, Bella is probably a glamorized version of Ms. Meyers in high school who used to daydream to and from school about guys admiring her and who used to read her copy of Wuthering Heights every night to distract her from crying about not being invited to a party. Bella Swan is not a special girl with a certain “je ne sais quoi.” She’s Pamela Anderson. Is that who you want to aspire to be like? Pamela Anderson? I didn’t think so.

Sends the Wrong Message about Sex

Watching Edward and Bella constantly in sexual frustration during the first Twilight film was an eye-rolling experience. Here we’re supposed to believe that Stephenie Meyers is sending a good message about sexual feelings in teenagers and how they can control them. I’m sorry, but there’s only so much proverbial “dry-humping” a horny teenage couple can withstand. Ironically, these teasing moments on screen and in the book prove to be porn for females as women get off on sensuality far more than men do. I for one do not buy this neutered love story as a vampire oozes with sexuality. They crave sex as much as they crave blood. We’re supposed to believe Edward is willing to endure a bad case of blue balls every night? Sorry, I don’t buy it. If this happened in real-life, Edward would have already had Bella in the sack and she would have learned that he unfortunately moves lightning speed in the bedroom as well and just wrote him off as just an experimental phase she was going through.

Promotes an Unhealthy Form of Co-dependency

Bella and Edward may seem like they have acquired an envious romance between each other, but it’s all an illusion. They get so wrapped into each other, that they forget about all those around them. Bella’s friends and father are just background noise to her. Edward is just a loner who thinks he’s better than everybody around him. If these two shallow individuals had any sense of identity, (which they DON’T) it would have been lost faster than Lindsay Lohan’s virginity.

As soon as they find each other, their school life completely disappears and all they talk about is sharing their bouts of depressions from being misunderstood. This does not sound like “star-crossed lovers” but in fact, it sounds like two loners preparing to shoot their peers in a high school massacre.

The Story is Told from Bella’s Deluded Perspective

‘With his thick luscious lips formed in a perfect ‘O’ formation, he blew out a flawless ring of marijuana smoke that hovered over our heads. As he took his finger and shot it through the centre of his ingenious creation, I gasped from the rapture of undeniable joy as I felt like an arrow had also simultaneously been shot in my heart.’ This is an excerpt from my diary when I was eighteen years old. I ‘loved’ a pot dealer and couldn’t tell the difference between a ‘rapture of undeniable joy’ from just a really good buzz. Yet somehow I was still able to romanticize my chance encounters with Mr. Stoner and that should tell you right there that eighteen year old girls are morons when it comes to matters of the heart.

In Twilight, the whole story is shown through Bella’s doe eyes and because of that, the readers and audience members are subjected to every passionate adjective found in MS Word’s thesaurus to describe Edward in the rest of the book and film. Couldn’t it be possible if the film was shown a different and more honest perspective that the events could have changed? What if the guys that look like they were going to gang-rape Bella were actually just whistling at her walking by and Edward started wailing on them for no reason? What if Edward’s collection of classical music solely consists of a ‘Best of Mozart’ CD right beside his twelve seasons of South Park DVD box sets? Never trust an eighteen year old girl about the subject of love. Plain and simple.

Edward Cullen should not be fantasized about

One of the things annoying me so much about this Twilight craze is the obsession of the character Edward Cullen. Somehow, the character has become so desired that it has misled women world wide into thinking that Robert Pattinson is far more attractive than he really is. I find this especially mind-boggling considering this character is no one a woman should be fantasizing about with a heavy-duty shower head in their hands. Let’s review Mr. Cullen’s flaws for those in need of a reality check and a break from the “shower.”

He sparkles.

He stalks.

He watches Bella in bed while she sleeps.

He’s emotionally-crippled.

He’s manipulative.

He refuses to have sex in fear of killing Bella.

He reminds Bella he could eat her at any time.

Take away the fangs and the sparkles and you’ve got yourself a future abusive husband, a gay man or a combination of any of my ex-boyfriends on your hands. Sexy, right?

It Glamorizes Teenage Suicide

I know that heading may sound a little extreme, but ever since I’ve seen the latest umpteenth trailer for New Moon when both characters attempt to kill themselves, I have wondered about how many teenagers have thought about how ‘romantic’ their actions are in the sequel. Is the message we really want to send out? When a guy leaves you, become an adrenaline junkie instead? Really? Thank god I’m not a teenager anymore.

Your Rebound Guy Does Not Look Like Jacob

Sooner or later, a girl will have to make an uncomfortable decision in her love life. Do we choose the shallow, emotionally-retarded and abusive ex boyfriend or do we opt for the deep, caring and nurturing rebound instead? Believe it or not, it is sadly a very hard decision to make for most girls. However, I can pretty much guarantee you that the decision would be easier if all rebound Mr. Nice Guys looked like Jacob. Think about all the good decisions you’d make and future mistakes you could avoid?

A Picture Says A Thousand Words….

Finally, let’s take a look at this New Moon poster. Besides its cheesy modern day rendition of Romeo and Juliet, there is something to be said about the body language in this poster as well. In the picture, Bella looks like as she’s in pre-orgasmic bliss from her recent “dry-humping” session with Edward. Edward looks cold and distant and he also makes sure the eyes are always on him. In short, he looks like a douche bag. However, it’s his strong and “Ike Turner-like” grip on Bella’s back that causes women to go nuts. They see this as a sign of true passion and sexual attraction, yet all I see is a jealous and overprotective douche who might as well have peed around Bella to mark his god damn territory. So romantic!

Now before any of you Twi-hard fans lose your sh*t over how I’m defecating on the beloved Twilight mythology, it should be noted that I don’t really care. Yup, I don’t care if you throw details about Eclipse and Breaking Dawn that you think contradict what I have mentioned above. I don’t care if you call me an idiot for saying all these negative things when New Moon is fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. I especially don’t care if you like the film or not. If you like CGI wolves and sparkling vampires onscreen, then be my guest. I won’t judge. However, it just seems like far too many women are too emulated by the romanticism in the franchise rather than focusing on the harsh reality of their own current relationships. Will this article be the catalyst for change? Most likely no, but as long as this reaches a few readers, I did my job.  Until next time Twi-hards!

Send any additional questions or comments to serena@killerfilm.com