In every generation there is a chosen story that is re-told aimlessly for no other reason than to make a profit.  It alone will stand against the rabid fans, demonic critics, and the forces of opinionated bloggers. It is the Remake.

It’s been a distressing year for true fans of the vampire sub-genre. Besides getting wind of the abysmal news that critically acclaimed director David Slade would be taking over the director’s reigns for the third teeny-bopper infused Twilight film, and that the 1985 cult classic Fright Night will be bitch slapped with a Screen Gems remake, it was the recent news of a remake in the works for Buffy the Vampire Slayer without Joss Whedon’s involvement that breezed through the world wide web like one of  Kirstie Alley’s scorching hot farts at a Taco Bell. Fran Rubel Kuzui, the director of 1992’s critically-panned original Buffy the Vampire Slayer film has teamed up with said film’s executive producer Kaz Kuzui and Vertigo Entertainment (a company name that seems fitting considering the nauseating remakes they produce) to “revamp” (no pun intended) our favorite wise-cracking vampire slayer’s image by starting up a new franchise UNRELATED to the film or beloved series. 

 

As one can imagine, the news has not been well received and it has already upset many Buffy fans worldwide.  So, why is the idea of a Buffy remake sound less appealing than contracting Swine Flu? Here are just a “few” reasons:

NO JOSS WHEDON—–NO POINT

There would be no Buffy without Joss Whedon…period. He has even gone on the record that his much praised script for the original 1992 film was butchered beyond belief because of Kuzui’s “vision.” Although I do get a kick out of watching future Academy Award winners steal “rad” yellow leather jackets and hand over basketballs in disgust and watching Paul Reuben’s prolonged death scene (which was worthy of repeat YouTube viewings) from the original film, it had nothing on Whedon’s television adaptation. Whedon’s vision for the show beautifully conveyed a young woman’s overlooked and underappreciated purpose in a male dominated world.  The only “deep” thing about Kuzui’s original film was finding out the subtextual meaning of ‘How Funky is Your Chicken?’ 

There’s Already an Established “BUFFYVERSE”

Buffy the Vampire Slayer has a very loyal and large fanbase and it’s not because people love watching a ditzy blonde stab vampires with a blatant phallic symbol, it’s because Whedon and great writers like Jane Espenson, Marti Noxon and David Fury (who supported and contributed to Whedon’s vision) created a universe that will forever be embedded into pop culture. The “Buffyverse” has inspired comics, video games, novels, webisodes and a successful spin off.  Having Kuzui ignore this intricate and award winning universe will only further piss off fans. 

No SCOOBY GANG?

Besides not employing the much beloved “Buffyverse” into the remake, treasured characters like Willow, Angel, Spike, Giles, Xander and Faith will not be referenced at all in the new film because Kuzui only bought the rights to the title character of ‘Buffy’ from the original film. Buffy was only as good as the company she kept and it was the supporting characters that made the show a cult sensation.  When I think of my fond memories of Buffy, I don’t just think of Sarah Michelle Gellar making snappy remarks and hardcore action sequences, I think of Spike’s love for Passions and onion blossoms, Anya’s leporiphobia, Angel’s not so secret obsession for Barry Manilow songs and the list goes on and on and on. The company Buffy kept in the original film were all unlikable, shallow and hollow-brained teenagers that made perfect juice boxes for the vamps. I don’t see it being much different in the new remake. 

The First Film Sucked!!

One fact I think the Kuzui’s are desperately trying to ignore is that the first film sucked harder than Lindsay Lohan on a casting couch. The only reason people went to see the film in the first place was that they were able to somehow convince then heartthrob Luke Perry to play Buffy’s love interest. (Something I’m sure he wishes he could hide on his IMDB filmography now.) It was Whedon’s television adaption that “revamped” the image of Buffy and that’s the only “revamping” the story needed.

TOO SOON!

Seriously, didn’t the show just end six years ago? We can’t even wait a decade to remake a movie or series? Creativity is officially dead in Hollywood.

No One Asked For it!!

I have yet to meet anyone who wants a remake that is unrelated to the events in the show, yet alone the events from the atrocious film. If anything, fans are still hopeful for a film adaptation for the television show. (Hey, if Sex and the City can do it…then there’s still hope!)

Fran Rubel Kuzui and Kaz Kuzui have proven in the past that they were incompetent in bringing the story of the ‘Chosen One’ to the big screen. Now they want to take something a team of people put their blood, sweat and tears into for several years and cash in on its success.  This is highly offensive to everybody involved with the Buffy series and its a slap in the face to the fans as well. 

The only reason why people know the Kuzuis’ names is not because of the original film, but because they are the last names viewers see on the end credits of the popular show before hearing “Grr…argh.”  That fact alone should speak volumes. 

No one wants to see another CW princess staking vampires and hopefully bloggers and fans everywhere will make their opinions known. Sign this petition at http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/buffymoviepetiton if you are angry about this news.  Sure, it will probably be used as toilet paper for Kuzuis,’ but if fans can bring back the short-lived Jericho…anything is possible.  

Tags: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Fright Night, Twilight, Why Buffy Doesn’t Need a Remake