With this week’s theatrical release of the much anticipated buddy flick The Hangover; I started to think about how films have illuminated Las Vegas and why people are constantly attracted to the world’s most infamous city. Over the decades, films have shown us the glamorous side of Vegas by showcasing the lights, the attractions, the guaranteed hook ups, and the thrills of hearing “winner winner, chicken dinner.”  However, films have also shown us the ugly side of Vegas which sometimes results in outrageous gambling debts, rushed annulments and itchy genitals only a pharmaceutical cream could alleviate.  It is a city so sinful that it even turned Screech Powers and Zack Morris into male escorts in a TV movie. (Not the Saved by the Bell reference you were expecting from this article, was it?)

 

With that in mind, it is imperative to know the history of Las Vegas before going on that getaway trip you and your friends have been planning since first finding out how that money was not just used as currency but was also used as a synonym for “cool” and movies have proven to be useful to guide one in the right direction. So like Randy Meeks would say, (if he wasn’t a geek, into just horror movies and if he didn’t die in Scream 2) there are certain rules one must abide to successfully survive a Las Vegas trip:

Rule 1: Ladies… DON’T date Casino Owners

Although it may sound tempting to date a man in power that can afford to get you whatever your heart desires, it may not be the wisest idea. Besides the obvious mob connections tied to many Vegas casino owners, there’s also a lot to be said about having everything at your fingertips. Everything comes to you both good and bad and before you know it, you’ll end up coked up and performing oral sex on Joe Pesci like Sharon Stone in Casino, and NO woman should ever be subjected to that punishment.  

Rule 2: DON’T eat the shrimp at an all you can eat buffet

Besides teaching viewers about the longevity of orgasms from tantric sex, Taye Digg’s character in Doug Liman’s Go also reveals how shrimp is full of iodine while his onscreen buddies (played by Breckin Meyer and James Duval) are pigging out on them on their way to Vegas.  Unfortunately, those two spend the rest of the evening following Kim Kardashian’s diet plan, (a.k.a “sh*tting the night away) proving that the only game of “Craps” you will play after eating a large quantity of shrimp will involve a constant flushing toilet and a cheap and gigantic roll of air-thin toilet paper.

Rule 3: Be Aware of your Surroundings if you see an Elvis Impersonator

If you see an Elvis impersonator, calmly take a minute and ask yourself these questions: How drunk am I?  Who is this person beside me? Why are we in a drive-thru that doesn’t serve food? Are those wedding bells I hear?  If the series of questions leads you to hearing “Here comes the bride” in the background…RUN. Do not walk…just run and get the hell out of there

Rule 4: DON’T sleep with a hooker in the washroom

Well..really..don’t sleep with a hooker period. Although, if you must play a game of Russian sex roulette with an overpriced call girl, make sure to not get hot and heavy in the washroom.  If Very Bad Things taught us anything, towel racks can be deadly.

Rule 5: DON’T Pay it Forward

If a bright and enthusiastic child offers to help you out in Las Vergas, say thank you. However, if he asks you to “pay it forward” tell him to go f*ck himself.  Harsh I know, but you might be saving him from getting stabbed to death by intervening in a schoolyard fight.  (The worst ending ever by the way!)

Rule 6: DO run through the kitchen if being chased

Sometimes Vegas can be a dangerous journey and sometimes you may find yourself being chased by a couple of generic thugs. If you find yourself in this situation, never take the stairs. The stairs just lead to you being stranded on a rooftop and nowhere to go.  When being chased, always go through a restaurant kitchen…it will most definitely buy you some time when the thugs trip over the kitchen staff. (Trust me…they will always trip)

Rule 7: DON’T recite lines from Swingers

Men everywhere can probably recite the rules and key lines from Swingers in their sleep, but although if you’re a man on a Vegas vacation, please refrain reciting them.  Unless of course the idea of ending your night with Keri Lotion and a box of tissues seems thrilling to you.

Rule 8: DON’T rely on ASD to help you win big

Unlike Dustin Hoffman’s character in Rain Man, people with Autism Spectrum disorders don’t always have special ‘savant’ skills. Yup, I just realized I will go too far if I say what’s on my brain right now. Basically….don’t expect to win 80,000 dollars on blackjack with ASD. (*Biting tongue.)

Rule 9: DO accept the Indecent Proposal!

Seriously, we’re going through an economic crisis. If you need to get out of your financial cul-de-sac by jumping in the sack with an old rich stranger, why not?  Sure, you’re putting a price on your soul and your relationship, but that million dollar price tag could surely help ease the guilt and pain away don’t you think? 

Rule 10: If you see a leprechaun…get the f*ck out!

Unless of course you have just taken numerous mind altering drugs with your lawyer, in which case enjoy the trip and the many hallucinogenic cameo appearances sure to appear from it. 

So if you’re going to Vegas, keep this tried and true list by your side at all times. Although if the closest you’ll ever come to Vegas is watching The Hangover and experiencing one at the same time, have fun, stay past the credits and pop two advils and have a Red Bull promptly after the show is done.

Tags: casino, Go, Rain Man, Saved by the Bell, swingers, The Hangover, VEGAS BABY!-A “How to Survive Las Vegas” Guide, Very Bad Things