Paul Blart: Mall Cop – Dual Review

 

Are you a fan of “King of Queens”?

Jon: Seen it a few times, thought it was okay. I’m personally not a fan of sitcoms, so I won’t be seeing it anytime soon. I know it has fans and I don’t want to irk them off, but it’s that I just don’t care something like this exists.

Donny: Never seen the show.  I just recently got into television, but that one flew under my radar.  

Why in the hell did you two see this?

Donny: My kid really wanted to check it out.  When he saw the trailer he  instantly got excited about seeing it, and I get excited when he wants to catch a movie, even a movie as bad as this one.  

Jon: I had a free ticket from Best Buy in my hands and I’ll see anything for free. Although, I must admit, I only do this for you, our beloved readers.

How was it?

Jon: Okay, let’s do an experiment. We have to do this in unison by the way. Just repeat after me: “Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Paul Blart: Mall Cop! Paul Blart: Mall Cop!! Paul Blart: MALL COP”!!! I bet by the time you said out loud the sixth Paul Blart: Mall Cop, you smirked. Bravo! You laughed more than I did seeing this. For more fun, repeat “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” and use different tones in your voice, it’ll add more creativity than this film and you’ll have a better time too. Hell, add Redbull and say it, and boy, you’ll be tripping over words having a ball.

Actually, you think I’m stupid don’t you? Why, I’m still that Jon that has all of the insights into film and I still love Citizen Kane, but when the credits finally came up after these 87 excruciating minutes, I was so bloody close to turning around and yelling, “What’s wrong with you people? This isn’t comedy! This is barely TV movie quality. I know we’re in a recession, I know you want some stress relief, I know you’re Middle Class, hard-working people, but there’s no way you can convince yourselves that this was funny!” I wanted to ask everyone why, why would they waste $7 on this, then it came to me. They’re not readers of Killer Film and they don’t know any better.

I’m harsh, I got to let up, but this was so epically terrible. Bad guys are really bad because they wear leather, have tattoos everywhere, and have extreme sports skills. Fat people are funny to laugh at because they’re so fat and love food and can’t fit into clothes correctly. Really? Don’t assault our intelligence. If I was a bigger person, I would be so made at Kevin James for how he portrayed overweight people. It’s like being racist to your own kind, it’s so retarded, but you can bet it’ll be number one at the box office. Sad, sad, sad. Go see Hotel for Dogs if family entertainment is what you’re seeking. So, Donny, did you want to see Hotel for Dogs?

Donny:  Actually Jon I don’t want to see Hotel for Dogs, but my son does, which means I’ll probably end up catching it sooner or later (hopefully he’ll just Netflix it).  Also, I didn’t hate this flick as much as you did.  Was it a great movie?  Nope.  I’m not even sure it was a good movie, but it was better than The Spirit.  I know I’m going to catch heat for that comment, but at least I knew going into this one that I was going to be seeing a Nickelodeon quality flick.  I knew it was going to be goofy, and I knew it was probably going to blow goats.  But it still wasn’t as bad as your making it out to be.  If you want to see a truly bad movie, then check out any of Ulli Lommel’s flicks.  

I’m not saying that this was an awesome flick, but for parents taking their children to the movies for a little family entertainment it’s not so bad.  It is what it is, a flick that follows the same formula that every other family film about following your dreams and living up to your potential does.  It doesn’t offer up anything new, but it also didn’t put amazing actors like Samuel L. Jackson into an embarrassing movie trying to pass itself off a good either.  It’s a goofy family film and anyone wanting more than that out of this movie is going to be seriously disappointed. 

Rating:

Grade?

Jon: ½ *

Donny: **1/2