Jon’s Worst Films of 2009
It’s that time of year again. As a critic, it’s our job to try to accurately critique a film, and throughout the hundreds of films we see, there are going to be some stinkers, if you will. Sad, but true. Now, remember this list is only of the films I have seen, and even though I have seen hundreds of films, there might be some I have missed. There’s also no sense in ranking these films, since they all are pretty awful, so I’ve alphabetized them instead. Here’s my Worst Films of 2009, all of which I hope you avoid.
The Final Destination
Even with the gimmick of 3-D and the return of Final Destination 2’s director David Ellis, this film was a complete disaster. The plot was barely there, the look of the film felt like a bad SyFy channel movie, and even worse is the script. The script is filled with not only horrible dialogue, generic kills, one dimensional characterization, but depressingly bad stereotypes of African-African characters. They are never once called by their name, only their job title, and a bum character tells the white hero he saved the day. Ouch, and ugly. Truly the final destination for this franchise. (Read the original review here.)
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
I’ll say positive thing about this train wreck: it has the makings of one fine Rifftrack. Horrible CG, goofy dialogue, and a over-the-top performances make this possibly fun idea, into a bad film. Why is there a slew of flashbacks? Drink a shot every time one happens, it’s the G.I. Joe drinking game! Even for nostalgia purposes, it’s a waste. (Read the original review here.)
Halloween II
As much as I like Rob Zombie, his music, his genre love, his Haunted World of Superbeasto and Devil’s Rejects, his take on Halloween is a mess. Even though I felt he had some promise for a no holds barred sequel, Zombie again drops the ball, by making a confusing boring slasher. Michael Myers isn’t scary here; he’s a bum-looking man, an interesting angle, yet Zombie never does much with it. The whole mask story of the first film is wasted, as if Zombie felt the need to get rid of the iconic mask. Ugh. The movie is like a visual stick-in-the-mud. (Read the original review here.)
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
It’s nothing but a product for a quick buck, that’s all this unneeded sequel was. The formula is tired, the 3-D was unimpressive, and it’s humor is generic. I don’t doubt that your kids have scratched up the first two films on DVD, so luckily for them, 20th Century Fox made this. How else do you explain the money it made? (Read the original review here.)
The Limits of Control
I don’t understand Jim Jarmusch, and I didn’t understand this spy film. Great performances are wasted in a confusing slapdash of double-speak and aimlessness. A character moves left to right, sits down, speaks a few syllables and leaves. There’s the movie right there. The only thing more tedious than watching this film, is watching paint dry. (Read the original review here.)
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
A lucky direct-to-DVD film that got a theatrical release, we’re treated to some very generic comedy. tons of fat jokes that wear thin fast, a silly plot, predictable, you’d think Kevin James would be in better vehicles for his “routine”, but maybe not. This film was number one at the box office for two straight weeks, making over a $100 million dollars too. People, I thought we were in a Recession? This film came out nearly 11 months ago, and it’s still lingered in my mind with its awfulness. (Read the original review here.)
Pink Panther 2
Steve Martin is better than this. He’s funnier than this. It’s amazing that he’s so unfunny here, that the supporting cast gets a chuckle or two out of us. Same old, same old. At least the wonderful Emily Mortimer makes sitting through this bearable. Hopefully, this rebooted franchise dies, so poor Peter Sellers can stop rolling in his grave. (Read the original review here.)
Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li
The film got little marketing and for a good reason: it’s just plain horrendous. Weak fighting, a plot as deep as a piece of paper, bad casting choices (Chris Klein as a Special Ops dude? Really?!), and one bargain basement explosion FX that sums it all up. Maybe video games aren’t suppose to be made into movies? Here’s a prime example, if we needed another one. (Read the original review here.)
Transylmania
This is an actual direct-to-DVD shown theatrically. Capitalizing on the Twilight craze, we’re treated to a an incredibly stupid film that tries to be like those Disaster Movie spoofs. Like those, it fails, becuase it’s unfocused and worst of all, it’s not funny. Pass. (Read the original review here.)
Year One
Harold Ramis should know better. This film could’ve been way funnier, and judging by the recycled jokes that led to some minor chuckles, one should fear a Ghostbusters 3. Michael Cera and Jack Black are game as cave men, but the religious-based setting isn’t a good idea for some generic jabs at the Old Testament. Not because I’m religious or anything, but it’s ground that isn’t ripe for humor. Or maybe Ramis lost it? That’s more likely. (Read the original review here.)
Look again for my Best Films of 2009 here. The worst is over! On to 2010! Did I miss a film? What were your worst films of the year? Feel free to leave a comment below!
What about Taken. That was terrible in every way possible. Steven Seagal does a better job than that one.
Solid list though…. EXCEPT for the crap that is named Transformers 2.
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Taken was old school, B-movie reenge flick fun. Transformers was, well Transformers. I enjoyed 2 better than one, yet felt nothing either or for them.
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I would have put “X-men Origins: Wolverine” at number 1. Seriously, that film has to be the worst comic book film since Batman and Robin.
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Jon Reply:
December 30th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Matt: It is and I seriously loathe the film, but there were 10 worst than that lol
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Matt Keith Reply:
December 30th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Well, there wasn’t too many films that I’ve seen this year, and this was definitely the worst.
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Jon Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 6:02 am
Can’t argue with that.
I thought you should have led off with “Halloween II.” That was one of the worst movies I’ve every seen. Sure, FD-3D was formulaic, but that was part of the fun. I can’t say I enjoyed “Limits of Control,” but I did find it visually interesting. And “Paul Blart”: C’mon, Jon, you’re better than that: That comedy was better than anything recent from Will Farrell, like “Land of the Lost.”
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Jon Reply:
December 30th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
If it wasn’t for “The Haunted World of el Superbeasto”-Zombie’s animated film, I would have said go back to music videos after H2.
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thank Goodness Year One is here
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Jon Reply:
December 30th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
You know it!
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i concur with steve on Paul Blart
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I could have added “Where the Wild Things Are” and “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”. As for “Paul Blart”, um yeah, okay it was average, ho-hum comedy, but generic, typical and didn’t have a sense of theatricality. Should have been direct-to-DVD.
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For me, ZOMBIELAND and ADVENTURLAND are 2 of the worst I’ve seen this year. Funny that they both are -LAND in the title and both star Jesse “I’m not really Michael Cera” Eisenberg. He’s fast becoming one of those actors that I see and don’t want anything to do with his movies. FANBOYS is another movie I hated this year.
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Jon Reply:
January 2nd, 2010 at 2:57 pm
What was it about those films? I kinda enjoyed “Adventureland” and “Fanboys”, but really liked, if not loved “Zombieland”. But I concur with you about Eisenberg.
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I think the main problem with ADVENTURELAND was that everything I saw about it made it seem like a coming of age comedy (“From the guys that brought you SUPERBAD” didn’t help that). Instead we walked out after seeing a drama with very little comedy outside of a few scenes. It was nothing like what I wanted to see. I was in the mood to see a comedy, not a drama that day.
ZOMBIELAND was just boring for me. For a movie with Zombie in the title, outside of the last scene and a few scenes throughout, there was little zombie otherwise. Outside of Woody, I didn’t care about any of the characters. They were so one dimensional to me. And the special appearance wasn’t that great, IMO.
FANBOYS, I didn’t laugh once. I followed it since I first read about the production 3 years ago when it was first done. I didn’t like the cancer story of it. It also didn’t help that they should have just had a movie making fun of STAR WARS fanboys, but the real ones made a bitch about it, so they turned it back in to a cancer story. That really sucked the funnyness out of it for me.
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