Dear Hollywood
Dear Hollywood,
You don’t know me, but I feel compelled to offer you my take on what I think is a terrible waste of time and money. That’s right my extremely flamboyant friend, I’m talking about all the despicable remakes you’ve been force feeding the people you call your audience. I know what your going to say, your going to say that statistics show that everyone loves the remakes you’ve been making. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but everyone does not love all the garbage (remakes) you’ve been making. As a matter of fact, I’m going to do you a favor by offering up a few suggestions that could help you reconnect with your audience, and (pay close attention here because this is the part you’ve been waiting for) increase your profit margin. That’s right, I’m positive that if you can keep your head out of your ass (sorry, it’s possible it’s the pitcher of beer talking) long enough for me to finish this exhilarating rant I’m on, you’ll learn a thing or two about your audience.
1. Read Message Boards – Since I’m sure your scratching your heads right now in bewilderment let me give you a brief lesson on a new technology called the internet. The internet in its simplest terms is a tool that people use to search out any type of porn they can think of and masturbate to it in the privacy of their own home. But lately the internet has been used as a tool for fanboys (your audience) to talk about the drivel you’ve been passing of as movies (remakes). That’s right, it’s a free tool that you can use to keep tabs on the people that watch your movies. And I’m positive that if you read the things they write you’ll be surprised to find out that almost none of them are happy about all the remakes.
2. Original Ideas – This is just a suggestion, but have you ever thought about looking for, producing, and releasing original content? No? Then let me tell you about a time when movies like Prom Night, The Longest Yard, Friday the 13th, Dawn of the Dead, Get Smart, and Death Race 2000 were all original ideas that were produced and released. You might recognize some of the names because all of these film have been sentenced to remake hell by you and your brethren. Instead of relying on name recognition, which can backfire on you sooner or later (George Bush), you should focus your efforts on original ideas. If your scoffing at the idea of producing original content because of the cost of high priced a-list actors, then hire low priced no-name actors that are hungry for the chance to make a name for themselves (think of the entire cast of Star Wars as well as Transformers).
3. Icksnay on the PG-13 – Read this one carefully because it’s important that you understand the implications of your actions. STOP WITH THE PG-13 RATINGS! Let me clue you in to a fact that I’m sure has just slipped your minds, there are lots of people left in the world that are old enough to see R rated movies. I know this is surprising to you, but trust me it’s true. Also, here is another nugget of valuable information that I’m sure you’ve just overlooked, kids that aren’t old enough to get into R rated movies want nothing more than to see them, and will therefore find a way to see them (think underage drinking/smoking). Now I’m not saying that you should make R rated movies for teenagers, absolutely not, you should never do that, make them for adults, and I promise the audience will buy tickets.
Alright, now that I’ve provided you with three simple steps that you can use to signal the death of the remake, while at the same time increasing your bottom line, I’m going to provide you with an escape clause. Lets say that Pee Digity (or whatever gangsta thug is popular at the moment) breaks into your office and holds a gun to your head forcing you to produce a remake, so that said gangsta can jump start his or her movie career, then this is what you should do. Cast said gangsta along with a bunch of stupid hot ladies, throw in lots of blood, and make sure the ladies get naked…often. It’s that simple. Because even if the remake sucks, and I’m pretty sure it will, at least the audience gets treated to boobs and blood. Also, if at all possible kill the gangsta within the first five minutes of the movie, and don’t let him or her write their own lines.
If you have any questions or need more advice feel free to contact me, but be sure to bring the booze because you don’t deserve to drink mine.
Yours truly,
Killer Film Geek
Well, I don’t wanna really defend Hollywood, but does anybody seriously think that movies will be better if producers are reading message boards? You can find there from time to time people who make sense, but most of the times they are full of people who hate Bryan Singer because he is gay, think that Indy 4 is the worst film ever just because he used a raft as parachute…uhm, survived a bomb by hiding in a fridge and think that 300 is the greatest film ever because “it looks totally like the comic”.
Then there is also the thing with the original ideas. Every week start up to 6 times more original movies than remakes or sequels at the U.S. Box office. And more important: Remakes have been there since Hollywood exist. The 80′s were full of remakes, but most of them are already forgotten, just like most of the Remakes from the 00′s will be in 15-20 years. (I mean, how many people are still remembering that there was a remake of The Hitcher? A few teenies who didn’t know the original and that’s it.) The only difference is just that the remakes today get more attention, because of (drumroll) MESSAGE BOARDS, full of angry fanboys who are trying to convince the world every single day that killing Markus Nispel would be the only way to give the world a good Friday The 13th remake (Has there ever been a good Friday movie, btw?) and that every week comes at least one new “worst…film…ever” out.
And PG13…well, yeah this has been a real problem for a while, although on the other hand I can’t remember a bad PG 13 movie that was better in its unrated cut. (But here I can at least understand that some movies just require an R. I couldn’t imagine a movie like Sin City with a PG 13!)
Thanks for the awesome comment CJ, it’s readers like you that excite us here at Killer Film. We strive to build an audience that can draw their own opinions, yet still come back for more whether they agree with what we say or not.
While I agree with you that Hollywood does still puts out original content (Paul Blart: Mall Cop), in my opinion they bank more P&A dollars into remakes and sequels (think about the Oscar nominated film “The Wrestler” and “Friday the 13th”).
Again, thanks for reading, and please continue to voice your opinions in our comments (they make me smile).
Simply beautiful.
Might I add – cut out the 3-D shit
The problem with original ideas is that pretty much everything has been done before. Even INCEPTION wasn’t compltely original. When you look at it, and it was the most “original” film of last year. All Nolan did was take an idea and put his own twist on it.
One thing I would like to add, and this doesn’t have anything to do with remakes, but Hollywood should start using less CG and more models.
And stop tossing Johnny Depp’s name on every short list.
In fact, enough with the recycling of the same small group of overxposed A-Listers.
Don’t shoehorn up and comers into any/every possible film project.
Usually results in OVEREXPOSURE and the public becomes tired of them.
Where they’re talented(Emma Stone/Easy A) and Jeremy Renner or pimped mainly for their looks(Amber Heard and Olivia Wilde)
Revoke Michael Bay’s DGA card and take his film equipment.
In fact, boot his ass from Hollywood altogther.
The man hasn’t done a good film since The Rock.
Send Stephen Sommers with him, wtf happened with this guy?
Slap a muzzle on James Cameron.
Chris Evans and Ryan Reynolds playing two superheroes in the Marvel Universe?
Sorry that’s not fair, why not give someone else a chance?
Dear Hollywood,
Please stop offering jobs to directors who shake their camera more often than strippers shake their bums.
horrorchic Reply:
January 20th, 2011 at 10:19 pm
R0TFLMA0!