Zombies Anonymous DVD Review

 

I am running. A dank, narrow hallway stretches before me, unending. All I hear is the rhythmic pounding of my feet as they hammer against the slippery concrete below me and erratic breathing come from and behind me. They must be close.

A fresh wave of dread fills my already swollen lungs as I urge my legs to pump through the aching burn coursing through my body and continue seeking a way out. My numb fingers grope the cracked, decaying walls surrounding me, enclosing me. I ignore the sharp pangs I feel as a nail or finger catches in a crevice and continue my search hoping to come across a door knob. I find none.

The taunts from behind me are growing, my purser’s voice ringing in my ears. An abject scream of terror escapes from my dry throat and I feel myself flying forward with a burst of adrenaline. But instinct is not on my side; I trip, my head colliding with the cold, slimy floor. I can smell my fear as thick fingers wrap around my wrist, yanking me up. I welcome the warm darkness that envelops me.

I open an eye and see nothing but blurred lines and a haze of harsh yellow light before me. Closing it quickly, I attempt to grasp tighter to the consciousness swirling around me. Finally feeling confident enough to open both my eyes, I slowly begin to unveil my surroundings. 

What seems to be a amateur movie director stands before me wearing a beret and a green member’s only jacket. He is twisting his moustache deviously and a snorted laugh is coughed up from his throat. Two men on either side of me wearing flannel that looks like it hasn’t seen the light of day since 1993 are holding me down, restraining me from my escape.

A screen off to the left flickers to life and a DVD menu slowly comes into focus. The title of the movie is Zombie’s Anonymous. A weak, parched scream encompasses the room but is cut off quickly once a meaty claw collides with my chapped lips and the director presses play.

This is the best way I can possibly describe the experience I had whilst watching Zombie’s Anonymous. It doesn’t follow your typical formula for the walking dead, which I generally encourage. Our flesh-eating heroes are a shunned part of society; they walk and talk just like you and me, except they’re just decaying. Rapidly. Because of the negative stigma America has placed on these poor souls, Zombie’s Anonymous groups begin to pop up, creating a sense of security and family for those who seek it.

Zombie flicks are my specialty; my forte, if you will, so I‘m usually gung ho for an unscripted zombie war. But, when you create a movie so blatantly horrible, so unnecessarily violent, I tend to question what exactly the writer’s were smoking when coming up with this brilliant brainchild.

I applaud what little effort put into this movie though; the storyline could have actually had some meat if it would have taken a comical twist like Fido. If you’re looking for a decent Saturday night watch, go pick up that porno you were considering. I promise you’ll get more for your money than from this atrocity.

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