Transylmania – Review

There’s nothing worse than the sight of an empty theater. The projector humming as it flickers the film reels to an audience of lonely seats. It just isn’t right. You know when a comedian is struggling on stage, because his act and jokes are falling flat, he or she will extend a punchline or gag, for the shameless attempt at a sympathy laugh? It’s a very sad sight, and while we don’t laugh, we kind of appreciate their gallant attempt anyway. Well, that’s not Transylmania.

Transylmania is a damned creation, because upon seeing it, something I wouldn’t even recommend a blind person to do, you realize those unfunny spoofers, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer of Epic Movie, Date Movie, and Disaster Movie “fame”, have proteges: David and Scott Hillenbrand. Research tells me Transylmania is a sequel to National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze 2. I really don’t have a punchline for that. A horny nerd falls for a hot girl on the internet, rallies up his collective mix of friends (the stoners, the jocks, the friend who might be gay, blah blah blah), and travels to Transylvania to meet her and attend class at some castle school thing, where vampires and vampire slayers exist. Sight gag hilarity ensues. I’m sure you’re expecting me to beat a dead horse, and that I’m preaching to the choir on these spoof movies, and I understand, but the blasted horse isn’t dead.

But between these four knuckleheads, the spoof comedy genre is dead. How did riffing on another, better film, become funny, yet alone a genre? At best, I kind of felt like Transylmania was like one of those God awful films USA channel’s Up All Night gave us at 2 AM in the morning. We watched, yet we didn’t care what it was, as long as it got rid of our insomnia. How the hell this got a theatrical release, when far superior films get a DVD debut, something that should send those film makers to grab their pitch forks and burn those monsters (studio execs) alive.

Getting back to my comments about how sad it is to see empty theaters, well, don’t blame the economy, blame the un-funniest comedy of the year, a film that should have been regulated direct-to-DVD for the Wal-Marts of the world to fill their junk DVD bins. There’s a scene where everyone starts puking, and it goes on for way longer than the joke ever should have been allowed, and for these comedians, I will not offer a sympathy laugh. Instead, I’ll just puke along with them.

(pukes in a bucket) Please don’t- (pukes in a bucket) see this-s-s (pukes in a bucket) pile of sh- (pukes in a bucket) called Transylmania.

Is that horse dead yet?

Rating: