Sex and the City 2 – Review

Two years ago, female fans world-wide were witness to seeing one of the biggest estrogen-powered television shows make its big screen debut and despite the fact that the film was far more focused on promoting the fantasy of women being able to hook up with their emotionally unstable and commitment phobic dream men and how men can be easily amused by ‘poo’ jokes, Sex and the City: The Movie won over most fans with its surprisingly sexless glamour, simply because they were able to see their four formerly promiscuous ladies take Manhattan one more time.

After upon hearing news of the inevitable sequel, I had written a list entitled ‘How to Make Sex and the City 2 NOT Suck’ on how to improve the first film’s errors that made the film into a teen version of the show full of the most blatant and expensive product placements ever seen onscreen.  After watching the sequel however, it was sadly apparent that Michael Patrick King would rather use my list as toilet paper as Sex and the City 2 proved to be the obese, self-deluded and mentally incapacitated cousin of the once beloved show loved by many. Let’s dissect down my list and see where Sex and the City 2 went wrong, because writing a formal review for this hollow-shelled and preposterous sequel would waste much of my time and patience.

Make Mr. Big Look His Age- Two years ago, Mr. Big (played by Chris Noth) made his big screen debut with unnaturally jet black hair and “mystic-tanned” skin. Despite the fact that it’s obvious that Mr. Big has had some work done to go with his henna-stained skin in the sequel, his unusual looks are not as horrific as the naturally haggard faces of the four ladies. Apparently, the sequel was not able to afford some Oil of Olay products to go with its ten million dollar wardrobe budget.

Stop Tailoring to the TBS Crowd-The first film may have been tailor-made for fans of the censored and commercial-ridden episodes aired on regular cable television who gasp when hearing the ‘F’ word, however the sequel decided to only be relatable to rich Caucasian women oblivious to an economic recession and young homosexual men who don’t seem to know the difference between Liza Minnelli and Barbra Streisand. Seriously, after watching this bloated sequel, I am now convinced that Michael Patrick King uses audience reactions of the women and gay men with deluded superiority complexes saying “awwww” as masturbatory material in a private room surrounded by his Emmys.

Bring on the “ENTOURAGE”- Last year I had stated that Entourage was the male’s answer to Sex and the City and just like Kevin Smith’s ViewAskew Universe, I pictured both shows’ characters co-existing in the same world. Unfortunately, after watching Liza Minnelli do a rendition of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” in the sequel’s first ten minutes, I had known right then and there my cross-over cameo dream would be unanswered.  Instead, audiences get a cameo from Miley Cyrus. Yee-haw. I can now cross that off my bucket list. *Sigh.

No Kids for Carrie and Big- Thankfully, MPK saw that children were not in Carrie and Mr. Big’s future as it wasn’t meant to be the natural progression for these characters. However, I would have gladly taken that over Carrie’s constant whining over Mr. Big wanting to stay at home for dinner while listening to Erykah Badu rather than taking her out her every night for expensive dinners at fancy restaurants in during an economic crisis. *Double sigh.

Give the Men more to do- If you thought the first film made the men look like brand name accessories that the women just touted around, you may be surprised to hear that the men have even LESS to do in the sequel.  The love interests female fans had fallen in love with years ago in the series have now become props who stand around on red carpet premieres, watch movies off their flat-screen televisions, stare at a nanny’s braless boobies,  bed and menopausal Samantha.  Even John Corbett (who plays the dearly missed Aidan) sells out during a hiatus from filming United States of Tara to film a mere seven minutes of footage in what was supposed to be the film’s main plot point.  Hopefully, the extra zeros on their paycheques have made them far less embarrassed to have this sequel on their IMDB filmographies.

If you must kill off Samantha…Please do so with Class- I had predicted that Samantha Jones’ cancer would pop back from remission in the sequel, but no such luck. Instead, fans are witness to Samantha complaining about her hot flashes for the entirety of the film. Hmm…menopausal humor. It’s not like we haven’t see this done to death seven years ago….oh wait…

More Cameo Appearances- Refer back to the “Bring on the ENTOURAGE” paragraph.

Give Charlotte a Proper Storyline- One thing MPK was able to get right was that he gave Charlotte far more to do than simply defecating in her pink velour pants like she had done in the first film.  Charlotte becomes frustrated with parenthood in this sequel and when it came down to a scene where she broke down, I had actually found myself being the illusion that I was actually watching a real film. Later on, she falls off a camel as her friends point and laugh at her camel “camel-toe.”  Illusion destroyed.

Take Them out of the City! After Perez Hilton and every major media outlet had released all spoilers months in advance of the first film, I had suggested that the sequel take place somewhere else other than Manhattan. In this sequel, we see the girls travel to Abu Dhabi where they giggle and make racist comments after seeing a woman eat French fries in a niqab.  It’s okay, though because the self-deluded rich white women the film is geared towards will simply point out that the French fries joke to a reference to an article Carrie wrote about looking for the perfect French fry in season five. Unfortunately, anyone who does not fit in that category will find themselves squirming in their seats more than Bruce Lee did while watching Breakfast at Tiffany’s in Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story. The fact that these ladies didn’t get stoned and jailed during their stay in Abu Dhabi is beyond me.

More Sex…Less Fashion- This sequel should have been called “Sexless and Fashionable in the city” as viewers get even less sex and more fashion in this one.  What a joke.

Make it shorter! Sorry men, but just like Michael Bay, Michael Patrick King has decided to stroke his ego by making another unnecessarily long sequel. Although, King has proven to be far more shameful than Michael Bay as this sequel lacks action, explosions and gratuitous tit shots that made Transformers 2 almost bearable.

As a film critic, I can not lie and brainwash myself into believing that Sex and the City 2 was a good film. (Despite the fact I was one of the show’s biggest fans.)  In fact, I sat there shocked and utterly appalled for the entirety of the film and would rather be impaled by a stone dildo used in Cannibal Holocaust then to ever endure this atrocity again.  Please, no more sequels! I would rather watch the DVD box sets to see the show’s legacy be further ruined with another asinine sequel.

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