G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra – Review

In the early 1960s, little girls were having all the fun, as their brothers were left with only slingshots for enjoyment, since their sisters had Barbies with all of the cool accessories. Luckily for them, Stan Weston was keen enough to see that the market for dolls with accessories was potentially huge, and that girls shouldn’t own that monopoly. So in 1964, he teamed with a little outfit named Hasbro, and gave a generation of post-WWII boys the G.I. Joe. Ever since then, little boys have been re-enacting wars, fights, and battles, while along the way burying a dead Joe or two in their mother’s flowerbed.

Such childhood products can easily fade away from memory as they grow older, but G.I. Joe not only infiltrated the wallets of their parents, they invaded pop culture by storm with the release of G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero in 1985 as a cartoon series. Every boy worth his salt knew of this show, watched each episode repeatedly, and still has a fondness for the silly, campy stories of morals. Through the rise of the toy line in 1964 as an 11-and-a-half inch dolls, to the later 3-inch action figures, through all of the fantasized battles, and all of the accessories, deep down every little boy secretly wanted a live action G.I. Joe movie. It seemed like a disservice to America if such a film were not to be made, and yet we all waited.

And we waited some more.

It what probably is the most anticipated movie for any male born after the inception of the G.I. Joe toy line, along all of the unfulfilled dreams, a silly thing happened. Hasbro, keen on the fantasies of little boys, crafted another toy line that got made into a major summer blockbuster, not once but twice, and made millions upon millions of dollars-Transformers. Seeing the writing on the wall, Paramount and Hasbro granted the one wish of every little boy, and green-lit our G.I. Joe movie. Yo, Joe! The more keen viewer might have to shake hands with the Devil, and say…um, thank you Michael Bay.

Despite all of the bad press this film was receiving, director Stephen Sommers was fired during production, allegedly, no press screenings, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is here. With the limitless possibilities from CGI, the imaginations of screenwriters, and the big $170 million budget, the hopes of all the little boys who wished for a live action film were dashed in what will become the first real bad movie or camp classic of this decade.

On every conceivable level, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra fails. Such a bad film as this, hasn’t graced the silver screen since Batman & Robin did back in 1997. The plot is inept as a bad softcore porn from Cinemax on a Saturday night, featuring some of the worst CG this side of the SyFy Channel, with acting and dialogue so campy and over-the-top, it makes Uwe Boll blush. A mishap on this level shouldn’t even left Stuart Bettie’s laptop to his flash drive to go to Kinkos to print it off. I’m not being cute, or purposely funny. This film is bad, with a capital B. You know, Sommers can craft a decent film, or even a mediocre one, filled with fun, outrageous action. His Mummy remake in 1999 is pretty good. While Mummy Returns and Van Helsing kind of sucked hard, he at least redeemed himself (in Steven Sommers terms) with Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, that was at least passable entertainment. Now, I mentioned that it will be destined to become a camp classic, and it shall for all of those reasons: bad acting, horrible dialogue, and plenty of “what-the-f*ck” moments. What separates it from other bad movies, is that these elements are excruciating funny, making G.I. Joe a must for midnight screenings or parties. Be prepared to make your own RiffTrax for the film. I know Mike Nelson is chopping at the bits already.

For added fun, play my drinking game I created for the film: For every flashback sequence, take a shot! Watch out for near the end, when Sienna Miller’s character, Baroness, has like 6 or 7 mini flashbacks. This game will get you blasted.

This film is insane. It’s like Super Mario Bros bad. It’s like Catwoman awful. For every little boy that has ever picked up a Joe or two, and made up a fictional battle that is more imaginative than the Star Wars mockery we got here with G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, blame Paramount. Blame Hasbro. Blame even Michael Bay. There should have been no possible way this thing was made, and made the way it was. The studio executives should have laughed at the script and the film makers right out of the office.

But on second thought, I’m glad it exists. Because I now I have a new DVD to pop in, as my Plan 9 from Outer Space DVD was getting a little beat up. My friends and I are going to have a blast; laughing, hollering, and enjoying ourselves with my drinking game. Man, oh man, are we going to get sloppy. Good thing nobody will be driving. I want all of my friends safe, and no DUIs, because knowing is only half the battle.

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