The Hills Have Flaws

Last year’s ‘The Hills Have Eyes’ remake was a sight to behold–a film that succeeded its original and pushed the boundaries of the R-rating off of a cliff and to its bloody death. Inevitably, a sequel was to be made; but unfortunately, the same team couldn’t collaborate on it. Like its mutant dwellers, ‘The Hills Have Eyes II’ is pretty fucked up in general which is a good thing. The bad thing, however, is that like its mutant dwellers, it spends most its time lumbering around like a giant retard.

‘Hills’ follows an extremely clichéd group of National Guard trainees who are on a routine mission to drop of some equipment to US Army Scientists working in the now familiar desert area. The team is led by the most pathetic sergeant I’ve ever seen. This dude seriously makes Major Payne look like Patton. Our team consists of a tough guy, a likeable guy, a likeable girl, an anti-war soldier, a mother, and a few other people you already want to see dead. This rag tag group of turds can’t get their act together as a team and choose to fight and argue throughout the beginning of the movie. This narrative sets up the fact that you are going to be extremely pissed off if any of these assholes are alive by the time the credits roll. When they arrive to their drop point, no one is to be found. They receive a broken transmission requesting help. A simple routine assignment suddenly becomes a search and rescue mission. Death, rape and carnage ensue.

I know I probably had you at ‘death, rape and carnage’ but let me add that it’s nothing you’ve haven’t already seen in last year’s ‘Hills Have Eyes’. The opening birth scene is a pretty gruesome and makes the film look promising, but its slow pace and lack of sufficient action in comparison to the first makes for a dull visit to the hills. The characters spout inane dialogue such as ’stupid bats!’ ”chicks!’ and ‘get your butt on the back of the bus!’ If this is how you want to portray a military unit that’s fine, but if that’s the case, well, maybe we shouldn’t bring that group of troops home so soon.

The gore meets par but fails to exceed expectations. A long tongue is protruded into the mouth of the girl. Had I not already seen that one-hundred times in the trailer for ‘House of the Dead,’ I might have found it neat. The characters are one-dimensional and meet almost every modern horror movie qualification possible. Last year’s ‘Hills’ succeeded in showing us a family that we ended up caring about. Their great acting helped as well and the tragedy that befell them was REALLY fucking tragic for a family vacation gone awry. I didn’t give half shit about this cast and eagerly looked forward to each and everyone of their deaths.

Similar to the tunneled mines of the dwellers’ hills, this movie is full of holes. Lots of questions go unanswered and certain situations go severely unexplained. However, we need not worry because I’m sure this won’t be cleared up in The Hills Have Eyes III.

Oh well. You win some, you lose some. This film brings nothing original to the series and only seems to make the story grow stale. However, if you want to see some decent kills, it might be worth a view once it’s out on DVD. If anything, you get to watch a few National Guardsmen get their purple hearts’eaten.

The Hidden Message: If you join the military, you will be raped and killed by mutants.