Bad Genes

I don’t know what the hell THINKFilm was thinking. After releasing a ton of highly enjoyable independent films, they get a wild hair up their ass and decide to distribute the direct-to-video nightmare that is ‘Bloodlines’. THINKFilm doesn’t have much of a track record when it comes to horror movies and I hate to think that they blew their chance with this one. I’m just going to go ahead and assume that they were either dared or blackmailed to do it.

On the Internet Movie Database, the only two plot keywords for ‘Bloodlines’ are ‘female nudity’ and ‘murder,’ so already you think you have a winner. Unfortunately, you’re dead wrong. This shitty film revolves around a group of backwoods inbreeds who are trying to get their family line cleaned up. Led by the ‘normal’ brother, Billy Bob (please thank the writers for such a clever ‘backwoods’ name), he and his mutated brothers have kidnapped many women, raped them and have forced them to give birth to normal looking children. When survivor-girl Amber heads to college, she ends up being kidnapped and set to be the clan’s next victim. However, Billy Bob and the gang don’t realize that Amber is a tough girl and comes from a tough family. Soon enough, her brothers are out tracking her down and are ready to kick some mutated ass.

This movie is such an annoying clusterfuck. I’m seriously trying to hurry and finish this article so I can stop thinking about it. ‘Bloodlines’ is like the inbred child of every backwoods-torture flick of the last five years, but with a smaller budget and a smaller brain. It’s like ‘Wrong Turn’ fucked ‘House of 1000 Corpses’ and had baby which ‘The Hills Have Eyes’ then raped. And there you have it! ‘Bloodlines’! The acting is shit, the situations are ridiculous and the Special FX were on par with Wal-Mart’s Halloween aisle. They spend the first part of the movie making sure we know how strong Amber is. They do this by dressing her in a camisole that shows off her abs. After being kidnapped, she meets the most annoying fucking people ever in the prison room. There’s the whiney valley girl and then there’s the tough country girl who seriously gave me a seizure just from her acting alone. Amber even finds a way out through a hole in the ground (which is also the prison room’s toilet) and after climbing through shit and piss, emerges from the hole with a bit of dirt on her shoulder. The kills are anticlimactic and the violence is sparse. If I wanted to see people getting their necks broken every five seconds, I’d watch ‘Best of the Best 2′. But every kill is seriously involves either a broken neck or a bow and arrow. As I said, the acting is laughable. Billy Bob’s sister tries too hard to be the Baby Firefly of the clan but comes off as amateurish. The best actor in the film doesn’t even have any speaking lines, swear to god. To make sure that we know these guys are backwoods hicks, Billy Bob is given a single wife beater to wear and his brothers are given overalls and plaid shirts with long sleeves. Why mention the long sleeves you ask? Because it’s painfully obvious that they didn’t even feel like trying to add effects to their arms. They throw on a shitty mask with long grey hair and there you have it’.inbreeding! Fuck all that. Oh and the ending! Holy fucking shit! ‘Home Alone’ didn’t have a happier ending than this fucking movie.

I’m gonna end this article before my fucking brain collapses and I shit out my intestines. This is not the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I don’t regret watching it. But its lack of originality and its fucking lame characters made me want to pour salt in my eyes and then staple them shut. Just because you have an idea for a movie doesn’t mean you have to film it. Dozens of other people did it before you and most of them got it wrong. What exactly did you think you were going to bring to the plate?

The Hidden Message: Just’I don’t know. Fucking kill me or something.