The Cheerios Factor: Rating the Bitchiest Cheerleaders Onscreen

With this week’s anticipated release of volume one of the hit television show Glee, I have been thinking about the history of cheerleaders. Years ago, cheerleaders were far tamer and less “complex” than anything we’ve seen in the past decade. Merely used as background noise to distract male viewers in predictable inspirational sports films, cheerleaders have now developed a sense of sinfulness to match their sharp sense of fashion.

Proving to be the most evil of the bunch is Glee’s notorious Cheerio squad. Head cheerleader/President of the Chastity Club Quinn managed to humiliate classmates of a lower social class any chance she got, get knocked up by her boyfriend’s best friend and still have her boyfriend believe he is the father. Partner in crime Santana showed us the art of “sexting” and how to simultaneously deface yearbook photos of the less popular with a pink sharpie. These girls know how to juggle their evil deeds and bitchy ways as easily as Tila Tequila can change her sexual orientation. However, the cheerleaders of William McKinley High aren’t the only girls that take their Cheerios with a side of bitchiness every morning. Read on to find out other wicked things other pom-pom friendly gals have done on the big and small screen.

Kelly Van Horn-WILD THINGS

Kelly Van Horn (played by Denise Richards) may have shouted out, “the Buccaneers are number one and don’t you forget it” as her cheer as captain of the cheerleading squad, but the only thing viewers could not forget was how much of an evil and conniving bitch this snob was. She falsely accused her teacher of raping her, extorted money from her own mother from the settlement and nearly drowned Neve Campbell in a pool before seducing her. If Kevin Bacon didn’t shoot her dead, I’d say the “Cheerio” squad could have found some use for her. CHEERIO RATING: 10

The ENTIRE Cheerleading Squad-BLOODY POM POMS a.k.a CHEERLEADER CAMP

You have never met a more obnoxious group than these bitchy cheerleaders. Thankfully before any of them get on your nerves for too long, they get all taken out in elaborate ways possibly by a fellow cheerleader (played by Betsy Russell) who keeps having hallucinations of her fellow squad members dying. I say…hallucinate away! CHEERIO RATING: 9

Edie Stall-A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE

Former cheerleader Edie Stall (played by Mario Bello) proved that a cheerleading uniform can be sexy at any age even if you look like a worn out, middle-aged house wife with really bad hair. I really can’t remember too much of her unenthusiastic cheer. If I had to make it up right now, it would be: “Give me a 6! Give me a 9! What does that spell?” I think you’ve got the gist. CHEERIO RATING: 8

Angela Hayes and Kansas Hill-AMERICAN BEAUTY/SUGAR and SPICE

Mena Suvari sure knows how to play a memorable cheerleader. Whether she’s playing a cheerleader trying to seduce her best friend’s dad or playing a chain smoking and rebellious cheerleader/bank robber, she definitely deserves to a spot in the bitchy cheerleader hall of fame. CHEERIO RATING: 7

Darcy Sears-VARSITY BLUES

There are only two things this movie is known for these days. One is for being the ridiculous “I don’t want your life” line that still induces laughter to this very day. The other thing it’s known for is the whipped cream bikini head cheerleader Darcy Sears (played by Ali Larter) puts on her naked body in order to seduce the new quarterback that replaced her boyfriend. It was a low move that gives her high “Cheerio” status. CHEERIO RATING: 6

Jennifer-JENNIFER’S BODY

Although bitchy head cheerleader Jennifer (played by Megan Fox) has an insatiable hunger for eating her male classmates, she definitely loses Cheerio points for her loyal friendship to her “mousy only because she wears glasses” best friend, Needy. Jennifer would definitely receive grape slushy facials on a daily basis if she associated herself with Needy at William McKinley High. However, she does gain points for targeting boys Needy likes…and for killing boys obviously. CHEERIO RATING: 5

The Toro Cheerleading Squad-BRING IT ON

The Toro Cheerleading squad led by Torrance Shipman (played by Kirsten Dunst) taught us the importance of wearing spanx under cheerleading uniforms and also how to “white down” a stolen routine and make it look like it’s original. (Actually I think Elvis Presley taught us that when he stole Chuck Berry’s dance moves and songs, but that’s a story for another day.) Although, they aren’t exactly “Cheerio” material as they did the right thing at the end. Personally, they also lose points for the four straight to DVD sequels that came from this film. CHEERIO RATING: 4

Ms. Tucker-THE LONGEST YARD (remake)

Ms. Tucker’s (Tracy Morgan) transvestite cheerleading team in The Longest Yard was bitchy enough to be considered “Cheerio material” unfortunately their choices of uniforms were definitely not. Leave the midriff tops and scarf headbands at home… “Ladies.” CHEERIO RATING: 3

Buffy-BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (1992)

Before Buffy’s character developed a cult following in the hit television show, she made us ask the questions, ‘How funky is your chicken and how loose is your goose?’ in the original 1992 film, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Before she became the slayer, Buffy was the head cheerleader whose bitchiness could have rivalled Cordelia Chase’s. Unfortunately after she developed her cramp alert system and mad slayer skills, she became a caring individual who liked to save people with her keen fashion sense. Lame. By the way, does anybody know how to find out if your chicken is funky? It’s been bugging for over 18 years now. CHEERIO RATING: 2

Kelly Kapowski-SAVED BY THE BELL

Kelly Kapowski, who was the head cheerleader on the Bayside Tigers squad, should have been named ‘Saint Kelly’ as she rarely did anything wrong until she ended up having an affair with Professor Lasky in the short-lived spin-off, Saved by the Bell: The College Years. Although, she did hit on her best friend’s boyfriend A.C. Slater during Ditch Day in high school…which earns her a much-deserved Cheerio point. (Can you tell I know the show like the back of my hand?) CHEERIO RATING: 1

The Sad Excuse for a Cheerleading Squad-JEEPERS CREEPERS 2

I don’t even know what to say about this squad. There are 3 of them. They don’t wear uniforms. They smoke while the boys have nothing better to do than to sunbathe on a school bus roof together and pee in a field right next to each other. They are each a disgrace to all cheerleaders, but maybe we should blame Victor Salva for that. CHEERIO RATING: ZERO

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