REEL TRUTH with Serena Whitney

ManWhores in my Coffee….

You are about to enter a bedroom. The pillows are tossed. Red wine is uncorked, half-chugged and spilling onto the white carpet that just had been cleaned from previous spills. Glass has shattered against the Playstation 2 on the floor right beside the unscathed Playstation 3 right beside it.  Mascara is smeared all over a hysterical woman who seems to be pulling her hair out in huge chunks. Although what I have described to you might sound like a horrific crime scene, rest assured that it couldn’t be further than the truth.  It is not a day of sanguinary mayhem, but in fact is simply just a regular Tuesday night in my bedroom drunkenly roaming my on and off again manwhore’s facebook recent wall posts.  Welcome to the pity party. Make yourself at home and excuse me while I find some salt to soak up the umpteenth f*cking wine stain on my recently cleaned carpet. (Goddamn Facebook!)

Did I always use to be this erratic you may be asking? No. Three years ago, I probably wouldn’t have smashed glass on my Playstation 2, but “man-whores” have always brought out the worst in me.  However, I’ve always known deep down my life would consist of “man-whores.”  My fate was sealed the day I named Robert Rusler as my first official crush after seeing him pantsing Anthony Michael Hall in Weird Science.

According to The Online Slang Dictionary, the definition of a “man-whore” is ‘a man who is much like a slut.’ Or like a woman on the web so eloquently put it: her best friend’s fiancé.  If this expression makes you stifle some laughter it’s probably because of the many movies and television shows that have brainwashed us to not only condone this pitiless behavior but to applaud it as well.

Typically on the big and small screen, “man-whores” consist of grown up and devilishly handsome early 90’s heartthrobs with custom-made three piece suits, condoms of steel, ridiculous catch phrases, the ability to make the word ‘y’all’ sound sexy, (yes McConaughey I’m talking about you) and a laugh track or applauding men in a theatre following their tasteless “booty call” shenanigans.  Unfortunately in the real world, the only couture most “man-whores” own are their hat collections, the rhythm method is used far more than in Brangelina’s bedroom and the only thing that remotely compares them to McConaughey is their marijuana usage.

Although, some “man-whore” behavior is strangely similar in both the land of fiction and in reality.  The ridiculous catch phrases (not even Barney Stinson on How I met Your Mother could get away with) are used and the laugh track usually belongs to the “man-whore’s” less attractive entourage who follow him where ever he goes. So the question is, How are we letting these men get away with this jackass debauchery?

As always, I blame the many rom-com pieces of crap films that allow CBS actors to cash in on hefty paychecks during their hiatus and allow women to believe that “man-whores” could actually change their ways. (When will women learn that romantic comedies are only made to promote fantasies that can never become reality?) Even with this knowledge, women still try to romanticize their unworthy objects of affection.  Suddenly, a guy staying ten minutes after he’s gotten post orgasmic disgust means he cares, his hostility from his breakup from over 7 years ago means he’s simply “misunderstood” to the rest of the world, and the time he held your hand in public instantly makes up for all the times he never said those three little words you’ve yearned to hear for far too long. (Doesn’t sound too legendary now does it?)

Movies like Alfie and Vanilla Sky are probably the closest films I’ve seen that dealt with the real repercussions of a “man-whore’s” actions. However, I can probably count the people on both my hands that actually sat through both those films. Was is it because both films were indeed boring or was it because that they pointed out the fact that when men use women like glorified sex toys, that it actually hurts the women? (I’m sensing a little of both.)

Both men and women need to wake the hell up when it comes to this subject. Heart-broken women need to not let that those sexy tweets foreshadowing their “manwhore’s” next sexually transmitted disease ruin their days, and men need to stop this behavior if only to save a woman’s Ipod playlist. T-Pain didn’t make an ‘I’m in love with a man whore’ anthem for the ladies. All we’re left with is Carly Simon’s You’re so Vain. (I mean really…what the f*ck does ‘clouds in my coffee’ mean anyway?)

As for me, well…I’m still dealing with one of my ongoing on and off again “man-whore” sagas, but now I’m starting to practice what I preach. However, now that I have invested in waterproof mascara, a stress ball and “half the fat” Haagen Daz ice cream, it seems a little easier to deal with it. Until next time….

P.S. After writing this article, I finally googled what “clouds in my coffee” mean. Here’s Carly’s explanation: “Clouds in my coffee” are the confusing aspects of life and love. That which you can’t see through, and yet seems alluring…until. Like a mirage that turns into a dry patch. Perhaps there is something in the bottom of the coffee cup that you could read like tea leaves or coffee grinds.” Hmm…sound like there was a special sort of leaf in Carly’s cup when she wrote this song.