DVD Collections—The New ‘Medicine Cabinets?’

Last year, I dated a guy who instantly swept me off my feet.  He spotted me across the sweat-drenched club where the humidity would drop off the ceiling every time the bass of a generic Akon song with blatantly objectifying and sexist lyrics would blast over the speakers. (Thank god I was wearing a fedora hat that night.)  Soon after that “fateful” night, he was already taking me out to expensive steak houses and giving me lilac roses at the start of every date. (Flowers he knew I liked from reading my personal blogs.) We bonded over our love for the film Jackie Brown and I knew he was a keeper when he had survived our Funny Games movie date.

After many dates, (okay…three) he took me to his bedroom where I was certain was going to be the place that would erase my unbelievable sex memories of boyfriend’s past.  He went to the washroom probably to hide his Nair for men. (I only assumed this because on more than one occasion he smelled like burned hair and cucumbers.) He was so concerned of hiding the items in his medicine cabinet that he completely disregarded the fact that I went straight for something far more revealing—his DVD tower.

Considering he was far from being a huge movie buff like I was, I was pretty sure his collection would say a lot about him. First, I had found the typical staples most men have in their collections. The Godfather trilogy, Goodfellas and Scarface were at the top of his list and it was no surprise considering the famous mobsters were also regurgitated onto his walls. However, a feeling of uneasiness washed over me when I then saw Blood in, blood

out and Empire starring John Leguizamo in his collection as well. These gangster films seemed far too obscure for someone who had once said to me that Quentin Tarantino was the greatest independent arthouse director of all-time.  Although, it wasn’t until I saw an hour long documentary called American Gangsters narrated by Dennis Farina that I hastily came to the conclusion that I was dating a bonafide drug dealer. Yup, it wasn’t the safe in his room, the three

cell phones he owned, or the visible remnants of white residue left on his desk that sprung the epiphany, but in fact it was his DVD collection.

This “DVD spidey-sense” was a skill I had developed back in 2004, when I had roamed through my then boyfriend’s collection and noticed he had every Madonna film except for Four Rooms and Dick Tracy. (The only acceptable Madonna films that should be in any guy’s collections in my opinion.) He even owned The Next Best Thing. The next year he came out and I was as ‘shocked’ as Brad Pitt seeing adoption papers on Angelina’s night dresser.

Although you may think this tactic may sound cruel and something only neurotic women would do…  think again.  I too was the unfortunate victim of my revealing DVD collection.  A few years ago, I had a long distance boyfriend visit me and after he had arrived, I had gone to the washroom to freshen up. When I came out of the washroom, he held up in the air my VHS (yes..I repeat VHS) copies of Glitter and Dr. Dolittle 2 in his hands. He gave me a look of disgust as if he had a rolled up tube of Vagisil and a recently used pubic hair trimmer in his hands. Needless to say…the trip was cut short and my mortification never subsided.

So what have we learned here from this Reel truth article besides that I have awful taste in men and in previously viewed Blockbuster Video films?  What you should get is that movie buffs are far more sneaky with their snooping maneuvers and now everybody should be aware of what they have in their collections, because they could say a lot about you way more than your messy medicine cabinet ever could.

But don’t be afraid if you have a couple of “tampon” or “zit-cream” DVD equivalents in your collection like Big Momma’s House or Cursed. We’re all human aren’t we? Although, if you have films like Gigli, Battlefield Earth or any straight to DVD Tara Reid release, you might want to hide them because if not, the only thing that will be getting lucky is your DVD player.

P.S. I am a child of 80’s r&b/soul, which is why I own Glitter. I like the soundtrack. So sue me. Also, Dr. Dolittle 2 is pretty funny. Steve Zahn as the bear is the sh*t. Take that long distance prick!   Now if you excuse me, I’m going to continue to dig deeper into the hole I’ve already gotten myself into. I’m already half way to China.

Tags: Battlefield Earth, Big Momma’s House, Cursed, Dick Tracy, Dr. Dolittle 2, Four Rooms, Funny Games, Gigli, Glitter, goodfellas, Scarface, The Godfather trilogy, The Next Best Thing