REEL TRUTH with Serena Whitney

The Cinematic Female Orgasm—Fact or Fiction?

Since we were old enough to discover late night Cinemax and penetration shots in slightly visible yet fully audible scrambled porn, we have been captivated by the fairly allusive female orgasm. The orgasm has always been deemed as a revered and ambitious goal that seems to always be achieved even in the cheapest of film productions.  Whether it’s a scene with a porn star using her double-jointed kegel muscles or a scene from a sensual romantic drama, the end result is always the same—a woman digging her perfectly manicured acrylic nails into the back of the man who has successfully made the woman climax in tune with her greatest Pavarotti impersonation with just a simple back spasm.

Unfortunately in the REAL world, orgasms do not come so readily. (No pun intended.) Take one of my last sexual encounters for example.  From my partner’s perspective, everything went according to plan. Although, I was not clinging onto his back in the throes of passion, but rather I was clinging onto my own ankles wondering what was the name of the actor who played the murderous child in Pet Semetary. (Mercury Rising was on in the background and it was driving me nuts!)  He mistook my look of perplexity with a licentious pre-orgasmic face and proceeded to convulse over me as if he were Callum Keith Rennie’s character in Californication getting an allergic reaction to tzatziki sauce.

He looked over at me inflamed with pride as he saw what appeared to be a look of instant gratification on my face. And that it was…I had at that exact moment figured out Miko Hughes’ name.

As pathetic as this unbelievable anecdote may sound, it is sadly a harsh reality for many unfulfilled women out there. It had me thinking about as to how so many women have let this travesty go on. It has been twenty years since Meg Ryan revealed to the world onscreen how any woman can acquire the thespian skills of Meryl Streep when it comes to faking an orgasm.

So why are so many women still continuing to play the erotic hot and cold game and giving up all hope when the guy is colder than Antarctica or Uranus? (Sorry…I had to.) Instead of being more vocal, most women seek a Costco-sizedpack of double AA batteries and guidance from overpriced Cosmopolitan magazines that only seem to be knowledgeable in articles on how to find a man’s perineum. (A sexual act that could only be practiced on seedy booty calls and once perfected…it shows.) Like breaking a cigarette in a full box of smokes, doing this is something one does not regret until much later. It leads to celebrity daydreams and an extensive quest for the perfect orgasm that makes Frodo and the hobbits’ perilous journey in the LOTR trilogy seem like a leisurely trip to the convenience store.

So does this explosive and extraordinary female climax exist? Of course it does. Unfortunately, a lot of people are far too concerned with how sex looks rather than how it feels in the moment. No one wants to admit this, but sexual partners tend to try to mirror or recreate steamy sex scenes onscreen and get disappointed when they don’t get the same results. (*Note to Ladies: If a man decides to play Phil Collin’s ‘Sussudio,’ in the background…run to the nearest exit!)

According to the silver screen, sex involves flawless hair and makeup, sturdy balance, well choreographed positions and climaxes in unison. In the real world, sex involves running mascara and bed hair, clumsiness, poor improvisation skills and the only time orgasms seem like they’re happening in unison is if a girl pulls a charlie horse right at the end.

The key to achieving the seemingly unattainable female orgasm is not from retaining more sex scenes from films in your brain than Mr. Skin, but it’s rather through laughter.  (As long as the laughing doesn’t start right when the man unzips his pants.) So many people take sex so seriously because there are so many unrealistic expectations to be reached, but if you’re comfortable with your partner and if you’re able to goof off and have fun with one another, then the chances of getting that orgasm becomes far greater.

It doesn’t matter if all you have for romantic ambiance is a dollar store tealight candle and 30 Seconds to Mars playing in the background, if you are comfortable with one another, it will happen. (Not like I’m speaking from personal experience of course…:P)

So stop hoping for that Dolby Surround Sound female orgasm exploited on the big screen because if you do, the only thing you will be able to relate to is the post-coital smoke afterwards.