Kevin Woods reviews “RAMBO”

I’ve just finished watching RAMBO. My two word review: fucking amazing!

But you’re not here for a two word review, are ya? You want me to elaborate. Well, okay, but seriously….those two words sum it up best. Fucking Amazing.

I was really impressed when Sylvester Stallone returned to his Rocky Balboa character. Some wondered if he still had it. “Rocky Balboa” proved that he did. As a writer, director, and actor for that film Stallone showed all the naysayers that he was still good for a few more rounds in the ring. With “Rambo” he shows that he’s definitely good for a few more rounds in the chamber. Yep, with the return of his two most iconic characters Stallone has given his fans what they waited so long to see, and with the return of “Rambo” he did more than just delivered: he kicked the door down and slapped our asses silly. “Rambo” should be the template for every action movie from here on out. It’s that damn good.

The movie begins with some truly shocking images of the genocide going on in war-torn Burma. It’s only a taste of the carnage that is to follow. John Rambo has been living in Thailand, a recluse who works his own boat on the rivers. When a group of Christian aid workers hire him to carry them to the war ravaged countryside, at first Rambo passes, warning them of the atrocities that take place there. The missionaries are persistant and Rambo finally relents, thanks to Sarah (Julie Benz), a compassionate (and hot) member of the group who’s impassioned pleas finally break the old soldier down. Rambo carries the missionaries upriver but they soon encounter trouble with some of the river dog militia. Rambo has to spring into action and dispose of these scoundrals in a very violent fashion. He finally makes the drop off point and the missionaries depart. Within the day they are in deep doo-doo, captured by an infantry unit that utterly destroys the village they are in, killing damn near everyone onscreen in some of the most insanely violent methods imaginable. It’s not pretty. And it’s not supposed to be. Rambo is soon visited by the pastor of the church that sent the missionaries who explains their dire situation. The pastor has hired mercenaries to extract the prisoners and needs Rambo to take them upriver. He agrees and pretty soon the real action begins. Rambo and the mercenaries battle numerous baddies culminating in some of the most fucked up battle scenes ever captured on celluloid. Yep, those who have been waiting for the return of John Rambo (or even those who have been seeking a “real” action movie instead of this cookie cutter bullshit that’s been released over the past decade) will certainly find their Shangra-La with this film.

It must be noted that this film is extremely violent. And I’m not talking your average R-rated violence either. I’m truly surprised that this film was released without having to make major cuts for the R-rating. You’ve heard a film described as ultra-violent? Well, “Rambo” is HYPER-ULTRA-SUPER VIOLENT. Capitalized. You’ve never seen bullet hits like this before. With burnings, decapitations, explosions, and stabbings piled on top of the already numerous bullet hits, this is the most violent film to hit in a long long time. But it’s not violence for the sake of being violent, no. It’s realistic. It’s scary. It punches you in the teeth, screaming “You want war? Well here it is!”. War truly is hell in Stallone’s world, and John Rambo brings it harder than anyone else in screen history has ever brought it. Did you see Sam Peckinpah’s “The Wild Bunch”? Remember that brutal battle at the end, the one where the blood literally exploded on the camera? Multiply that by 100 and you got “Rambo”. No one is safe…..not women, not animals, not even children (in some of the more shocking scenes). It’s scary because this shit happens on an every day basis over there. “Rambo” doesn’t glorify it. It slaps you across the face with it and says “This is real! This is what happens!”. Some people said that previous Rambo films were pro-war, but “Rambo”, as unrelenting in the violence it shows that war causes, is a very anti-war film. War is nasty. It’s brutal. It IS hell.

Stallone is just a badass as John Rambo. But Stallone, the writer, gives Rambo a reason. The storyline is as well written as any action movie could ask, so props have to go to Stallone for not delivering yet another bullet ballet with a weak plot. In order to revisit the Rambo character, there had to be a reason, and Stallone gives Rambo plenty of justification for his homecoming. Not only that, but this “Rambo” is not a comic book character. He’s no superhero, as he was in an earlier sequel (hey, I’m not bashing Rambo III, I loved it as much as you! But come on, that shit is a little too unrealistic). Rambo is a character of depth, a victim of war, and it shows in his face. You hear it when he speaks. He’s been battered and beaten by a lifetime of war and he wants so badly to put it all behind him. He’s a more realistic “Rambo”.

You can’t go wrong with this movie. It’s a triumphant return to a character we’ve all missed for the last 2 decades. Stallone has still got it and I hope he keeps giving it. I wouldn’t mind seeing one more go at the “Rambo” character, so hopefully the film will be enough of a success to warrent it.

BUT….I have to get THIS off my chest. There are some people out there that chose to spend their money watching a piece of crap like “Meet The Spartans” instead of quality cinema like “Rambo”, and to those people who put that shitty movie in first place at the box office ahead of “Rambo” I’d like to say this. YOU are the reason the quality of films are diminishing. YOU are the reason that studios are scared to take chances on resurrecting and revisiting previously successful franchises. YOU make me sick. Don’t ever try to say that you are a lover of cinema when you’d rather spend your cash on a piece of shit like “Meet The Spartans” over a film like “Rambo”. But you know something……I’m glad you wasted your money on that flick. I’d rather sit in a theatre with TRUE fans of cinema, people who know what great filmmaking is about, than have to share a row with a moron like you who’d rather shell out 9 bucks on tripe like “Meet The Spartans”. Enjoy your juvenile shitfests while the rest of us enjoy “Rambo”, a real film.

Joe Francis reviews Zombies Gone Wild

This will not be a traditional review, sorry, instead it’s a stream of conscious thoughts through the picture.

HOLY HAMFISTED KITTY CAT. I’m pretty sure this opening credit song is an indian curse that quietly rips your soul from your body. Note to the movie: starting out like this makes me hate you and where ever you came from. Crappily drawn barely passable animated zombie chicks and a driving scene with this FUCKING SONG THAT MAKES ME SURE THERE IS NO JESUS CHRIST playing in the background earns no brownie points with me so far. Not that you’re trying, I’m sure.

Okay. Cool, you’ve let go the grasp you had on my soul by ending the song. Good move, Zombies Gone Wild dvd. Now you have a chance at -

Wait, WHAT THE HELL, dvd?! Now you’re showing me a lonely boy thinking to himself on a railing over looking a city road? You’re that goddamn lazy you half to intro the characters with descriptions via this assholes thoughts? ARRRRGH. arrgh. fuck.

Oh. Awesome. Next scene is a dude taking a shit. But he’s farting way too much to be actually shitting. What an awesome joke you’re making, Zombies Gone Wild. Now a mother is nagging a nerdy dude. We know he’s nerdy because his blue plaid shirt is tucked into his khakis! Excellent. He won’t fit in with his emo bad joke co-stars at all.

I think I’m already zoning out the dialog at this point.

Wait for it.

Yup. Some farting jackass is playing ARMY in the living room. Yup, he’s all in camo. The dog is wearing sunglasses. Oh, crap. The farting jackass is the nerdy dudes dad. The zooms are causing more motion sickness than BLAIR WITCH and the screens only 6 inches in both directions.

NOTE TO FILMMAKERS: DON’T MAKE THAT FUNNY HOMELESS DUDE YOUR DP.

Now they’re talking about how mom showed him what a stinkhole was on his little brother. It’s pretty obvious at this point that they’re fine actors by the way they’re forgetting lines and such.

Okay, if I keep up this streaming style o’ writing through the whole movie, I’ll be here all night. It’s fucking eight minutes in right now. Fuck. It’s movies like this that really piss me off. I could be watching ROBOCOP again.

I absolutely love no budget movies, and this is as no budget as it gets. Trust me. This is also a no funny movie, as well. This is fucking terrible. If this movie was shown to terrorists, they’d turn into peace loving hippies if only it was promised they’d never have to watch this movie again.

So now, at 11m:52s, a black character is having a discussion with a nutty 2nd black character. The problem here? One of them is in fucking black face, which is only made more obvious by his pale white hands. The dude can’t figure out an accent to use, so he tries ‘em all on for size. This makes infants down the street cry.

13 minutes into this so far 13 minute suck fest and the characters are all meeting up, getting together in their party van for the trip to…’Mtv’ which last I heard wasn’t a goddamn location. Only they all start vommiting and farting for no reason. This ends when the mayor of Radical Town reminds them that they have ‘girls to do!’. On the trip they can’t help but talk about poon tang and anal leakage. In fact, the sound is so bad here that you can’t make out the story…just the occasional LET’S BE GROSS/UNFUNNY word!

At this point I’m skimming through the movie. It’s now 20 minutes later, and the only thing that has happened is more vomiting and more pants shitting. In between that they’ve made it to some town, where they’re now scoring viagra.

They’re still shitting their pants.

45 minutes in. Finally, they’ve stopped vomiting and shitting long enough to speak stupid spanish to some lace wearing broads hanging out at a lake. Oh. Shit, they think the girls are German. They’re close, seeing as the girls are deaf.

I can’t take this anymore. My role as a human being with emotions and a soul far outweigh my role as a reviewer, sworn to give every movie I view a full chance by watching the whole thing.

I can’t do it. I’m skimming again.

Apparently there’s some zombie chick with telepathic powers and a super deep voice telling her minions to kill our main dudes. The make up effects on her rival JIF peanut butter stuck to your face. Crunchy.

Looks like the guys made it til morning, only to get into a cage match with some zombies as soon as light breaks. Randy gives in to the head zombie chick and joins her, as the other two guys try to get him to come with him…he’s under the spell. They throw dirt at the zombies, now teamed up with fatty zombies and a KKK zombie and make it to their pimp van and haul ass out as if they were in a theater watching their own movie.

After skimming through the whole movie, I feel that my review is fair and accurate. I don’t mean to be overtly harsh in the critique, but it’s only a point to get it across that this is the worse movie I’ve ever seen. Big budget, no budget, low budget…doesn’t matter. This is the bottom of the barrel. Need further proof?

The movie doesn’t have an ending. During the final fight scene the actors get into a small uproar out of character and end up quitting.

SPOILER:

The KKK guy is black under his hood. Fucking hilarious.

After watching this I’m pretty sure I could whole heartedly enjoy a marathon of movies featuring DATE MOVIE, EPIC MOVIE, and MEET THE SPARTANS then wash it down with any given TYLER PERRY movie. I will probably leave thinking how much I loved each movie simply because they weren’t ZOMBIES GONE WILD.

If you haven’t read between the lines yet, I hate this movie. It’s god awful, and I want to send the person that gave it to me some human poop. This movie makes me want to go watch my infant son sleep while I cry realizing this is the world he has to grow up in. A world where Zombies Gone Wild exists.

I want to give it less than a 0.5 star rating, but I can’t, the drop down menu won’t let me. However, if I was able to give it any rating I wanted, I’d give it 48 Richard Gere’s.

Please, don’t watch it. Don’t even watch it out of curiosity. It’s like that fucking RING video. My phone is about to ring and some creepy voice will give me seven days to live.

And I’ll be okay with that.

Kevin Woods Reviews “There Will Be Blood”

Have you ever experienced watching a motion picture that struck such an emotional chord in you that you had to take some time to really let it soak into your psyche, really let it resonate with the things you yourself have going on in your life? Days after viewing it you still need time to reflect on it……a film that powerful? I found one that did just that for me. And here I am a week after viewing “There Will Be Blood” and I’m still not entirely ready to share my thoughts on the film. But seeing as how that’s my job here at Killer Film, I must forge ahead and give you, dear reader, my review for Paul Thomas Anderson’s gift to cinema, the amazing “There Will Be Blood”.

How do I begin? Perhaps I should share my love for this directors previous works. Yes, I am a fan of P.T. Anderson and I have thoroughly enjoyed everything he has unleashed on film watchers in the past decade or so. I find his work to be brilliantly written and directed. I don’t use that term loosely. Brilliant. From “Hard Eight” to “Boogie Nights” to “Magnolia” to “Punch Drunk Love” (in what I feel is Adam Sandler’s best film as an actor), Anderson has delivered each and every time. Yes, I understand that some people just don’t “get” his films. Some people find his work too “cerebral”. Not I. Rather, I think his works are cinematic perfection, open to any astute viewers interpretation of the events unfolding onscreen. Character studies that definitely resonate with the viewer upon repeated viewings. Anderson is a masterful designer of complex stories and characters, but makes them all accessible to the viewer. It’s a gift that too few filmmakers have nowadays.

With his newest film, “There Will Be Blood”, Anderson gives us his most powerful and meaningful film to date. And, in what is sure to bring him the Oscar for Best Actor, Daniel Day Lewis gives the performance of his life as Daniel Plainview, a business-man in the oil industry and the father of young H.W. Greed and power are motivating factors in Plainview’s world. He is a cold, callous man. And in a 30 year arc, his greed and quest for power/money leads to a destructive madness.

I’ve heard that Paul Thomas Anderson has referred to this film as a horror picture, and in many ways it is. It’s unsettling to say the least. The dynamic performances of the lead actors only add to the terrifying feel of the movie, aided by a musical soundtrack that is as unrelenting as the characters onscreen. There are several questions raised in the film: What is Evil? What is Hate? What is Greed? When does one lose his humanity? Terrifying parallels are drawn to the world we live in today, even though the film is set at the turn of the 20th century. The movie dangerously plays with religion and with human ethics and acts as a mirror for the viewer to question these things in ourselves. This, people, is a masterpiece. This is utter and total brilliance.

Daniel Plainfield strikes oil and begins a life long journey of hate, greed, and violence. As the title of the films suggests, yes there will be blood. Daniel learns of a large oilfield under the ground in a small town and proceeds to buy up all the land, promising the citizens of the town new roads, new schools, a new life. He meets Eli Sunday (Paul Dano), a man whose life is committed to serving the Lord, and soon the two men begin a silent war with each other. Yes, religion gets questioned here…even skewered, as Daniel believes Eli to be a false prophet. Over the decades, as Daniels money and power grows, he loses more and more of his soul. It’s a strangely surrealistic descent into madness that takes over Daniel, culminating in one of the greatest endings of all time. Truly shocking, utterly terrifying, and all at once beautiful to watch, “There Will Be Blood” leaves a hearty impression.

Much has been said about Daniel Day Lewis’s work here. He’s won several awards for his portrayal of Daniel Plainview and I’m certain Oscar gold will be coming his way as well. I don’t know if the movie works so well because of his performance, or if his performance is so outstandilng because of the direction by Anderson…..either way, these men were destined to work together. This is a movie that had to be made. As far as the supporting cast goes, everyone was exceptional. Paul Dano really deserved more recognition for his work here as Eli and Paul Sunday (yes, he plays 2 characters…..or does he?? Let the theories begin…). The kid who played young H.W., Daniel’s son, did a fantastic job and his role is rather pivotal.

The look and sound of the film……I was just blown away. It’s so beautifully shot that it immediately draws you in. I mentioned the score earlier and it is mesmerizing. I’m serious……this movie is, simply put, PERFECT.

There’s so much to take in here that it will take you several days to let it all soak in. You’ll be thinking about this film weeks, maybe months, after you’ve viewed it. And it definitely begs to be viewed several times over. I say it’s the best picture of the year, if not the decade. I say Daniel Day Lewis is the most versatile and amazing actor working today. When you see it I think you’ll agree. But if not, hey, it’s Paul Thomas Anderson…..love him or hate him, at least his films will have you talking. And when people quote this movie, there’s a couple lines in particular that will no doubt cross over into pop culture vocabulary. Who would’ve thought something as simple as a milkshake could be scary?

This comes HIGHLY recommended as this is definitely a KILLER FILM.

SOMEONE…MAKE THIS MOVIE!! Dan Simmons “The Terror”

God, I love a good book. And I love it when a good book is given a faithful adaptation to film. So that’s why I want to share with you, dear reader, some of the books that I’d love to see translated to film. So with this first installment of SOMEONE…MAKE THIS MOVIE! I’m going to cover one hell of a great book that I think deserves the big screen treatment….Dan Simmons’ “The Terror”.

“The Terror” is a supernatural and scary-as-hell tale that is based on factual, historical happenings of the doomed search for the Northwest passage in the 1840’s. The Franklin Expedition, headed up by Sir John Franklin on the HMS Erebus and Captain Francis Cozier on the HMS Terror, is searching the cold and dangerous arctic regions for the legendary Northwest passage when the two ships get stuck in ice. There were no survivors of this expedition found. However, some remains were found years later, some of them showing signs of cannibalism. No one knows exactly what happened during the 3 years the ships were caught in the ice, but author Dan Simmons gives us his take on the events and throws in a dash of the supernatural for good measure.

The crews of the HMS Terror and the HMS Erebus have to face unrelentingly cold weather (-80 degrees in the sun!), quickly diminishing food rations, rampant disease, and no help in sight. But that’s not the worst of it. There’s something else out there on the ice with them. Something big. Something hungry. And it attacks and kills with extreme prejudice.

Simmons delivers his tale with some brilliant writing, sometimes in the form of a narrative, other times in the fashion of crew members diaries. It’s one hell of a fast read, even at the 700 plus pages, because you just can’t put it down. You’ll be up late, covers wrapped tightly, reading page after page of this intriguing tale. The descriptions of the cold will have you shivering almost as badly as his vivid descriptions of the carnage and terror the creature on the ice invokes.

Yes. This is a historical novel. So that’s one point in favor of making this into a film. Another point is that it’s just plain scary. Put desperate people in a desolate situation with a supernatural creature stalking them, and you’ve got a hell of a book (and if a producer is smart and options this piece, one hell of a movie!). There is so much that is great about this book that I can definitely see it translating well onto celluloid. In the right hands we could see one of the scariest films ever created. This book is ripe for the picking if only someone would jump on it.

So please……SOMEONE MAKE THIS MOVIE!!

Donny Broussard Reviews: Meatballs 4

The plot for ‘Meatballs 4′ is nothing new, but for some reason I have a soft spot for cheap T&A flicks set at summer camp. I think the first time I saw this cheesefest was on USA Up All Night, and I really dug it. This time around I didn’t enjoy it as much as I did in my youth, but it was still a fun flick.

The film starts out like most of the others in this series, with the camp counselors waiting for the busload of campers show up. The big difference this time out is that the camp is now dedicated to skiing. Right from the get go some of the campers sneak up to the girls showers and watch the lovely (naked) ladies soap up, from that point on I knew that I in for a fun flick. We find out that camp owner Neil Peterson (Jack Nance) is about to loose the camp due to financial difficulties unless he can win a ski competition against a rival camp. In order to increase his chances of winning Mr. Peterson hires kick ass ski instructor Ricky Wade (Corey Feldman).

I can’t say that this film is the best film in the world, but I sure as hell had fun with it. So if you happen to see it in a bargain bin or on late night TV then check it out. It also goes well with beer and pretzels. ‘Meatballs 4′ didn’t reinvent the wheel, but it is almost killer film.

General Hawk Has Been Cast, YO JOE!

The trades are reporting that Dennis Quaid has been cast as GI JOE commander General Hawk. This is THE guy I was hoping would get the part. Quaid is one of my favorite actors, and deserving of such a high profile part.

FROM IESB:

Dennis Quaid confirmed as Hawk and Channing Tatum as Duke in G.I. Joe.

Trades have confirmed the rumblings, Quaid and Tatum join the ranks of the real American heroes! Variety had the post this evening,

“Dennis Quaid and Channing Tatum have been set as the leads in Paramount’s actioner ‘G.I. Joe.’

Quaid will play General Hawk, the grizzled team leader and Tatum will play Duke Hauser, the lead soldier in the

Stephen Sommers-directed film, which is scheduled to shoot next month in L.A. Pic is set for release on Aug. 7, 2009.”

This is gonna be WAY better than when Quaid was a down and out Air Force test pilot in INNERSPACE! Yes!

I’m kidding, I love the guy, he’s a great addition to the cast. I’m getting excited for this one!

Source IESB

Del Toro Directing The Hobbit??? Hellz Yeah!!!!

News is coming out that Guillermo del Toro will helm not one but TWO big screen features based on “The Hobbit”. Besides Peter Jackson, this is THE guy to put behind the camera for this franchise.

from the hollywood reporter:

Guillermo del Toro is in talks to direct back-to-back installments of J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The Hobbit,” which is being co-financed by New Line and MGM.

Del Toro’s name was on a short list of directors who could tackle the project, one of the most anticipated literary adaptations of the past decade. An ill-chosen director for “Hobbit” could put billions of dollars at stake for New Line and MGM and could turn off an audience that encompasses millions of passionate readers, Tolkien fans and obsessive geeks.

Source READ ON

Will this adventure spell doom for Lupin and the gang?

Created in 1967 by Kazuhiko Katō (under the pen name Monkey Punch) Lupin III is about a master thief with a penchant for the ladies. Over 40 years later the character is as popular as ever. So are his cohorts Daisuke Jigen (a master marksman), Goemon Ishikawa XIII (descendent of the legendary thief), Fujiko Mine (the object of Lupin’s desire and his female counterpart) and Inspector Zenigata (the intelligent but unlucky Interpol agent).

Released in 1994 as Lupin III: Moeyo Zantetsuken (roughly Burn, Zantetsuken!) this particular outing focuses more on Goemon the skilled martial artist and owner of the titular Zantetsuken sword. The Zantetsuken, by the way, is capable of cutting nearly anything. Helicopters, buildings, steel gates. Nothing is safe (except for maybe konnyaku jelly).

There’s a treasure hidden deep in the dark ocean waters that holds a secret close to Goemon’s powerful weapon. Teaming up with his childhood friend, Kikyo, Goemon must protect the treasure from not only a power hungry gang lord Chin Chin-Chu but his friends as well. With his honor at stake and a conspiracy to use the treasure for evil will Goemon be able to stand up against all of the hurdles ahead?

The animation in this 1994 television movie starts off promising with a top notch battle between Goemon and a group of ninjas. Things go downhill from there and into the realm of what you would expect from a televised production. This sort of lure is common in most films but it can still be disappointing especially with animation.

From the Lupin series POV the story here is very reminiscent of past episodes and rather formulaic. The focus on Goemon is nice and I recommend fans of the character watch this one. The suspension of belief is exceptionally high in this installment (such as Lupin surviving the pressure of the ocean floor without a suit) even by Lupin standards.

Unfortunately, this is the final time Yasuo Yamada would voice Lupin III. Having performed Lupin’s distinct voice for three seasons and multiple feature films the seasoned veteran played the character perfectly.

A fun ride and a must see for Goemon fans but the sub par story elements and the animation keep the film from being one of Lupin’s top treasures.

Presentation:
The DVD release from Funimation is available in a single release or in the First Haul DVD pack. The video is acceptable but appears faded. The colors are muted and the image seems slightly dull. The audio is clear in both English and Japanese stereo options.
The English dub is tolerable for those who dislike subtitles but Lupin should be enjoyed in it’s native language since the actors involved have been playing the characters for so long.

Extras include character profile galleries with information on their English voice actor counterparts.

Overall:
A fun adventure with Goemon in the lead. It proves to be entertaining but falls short in comparison to other Lupin specials. Rent it if you are new to Lupin. Buy it if you are a Goemon fanatic.

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