Melvin is on fire!

It’s time for you to understand why I am the way I am and why I have the beliefs I do’

In 1985 a movie changed my life’

I saw a cardboard cut out of a figure in the video store around the corner from my mom’s house’I saw the movie on the shelf’It was rated R’The drunk behind the counter didn’t care and let me get my grubby little hands all over it’and 20 some years later my life still revolves around this film’

Baby, it’s time for me to gush over the epic, the genius, the gory, and the sexy’

THE TOXIC AVENGER.

If you haven’t seen this movie, what the fuck are you doing with your life? Seriously.

Here’s the deal’
Our hero in training, Melvin Junko (Mark Torgl) is a 90 lb ‘wimp’ who works at the Tromaville health club as the ‘mop boy’. Melvin tries hard to fit in, but doesn’t seem to realize how much the badass locals of the health club hate him. Our anti-heroes are: Bozo (Gary Schneider), Slug (Robert Prichard) and their smoking hot 80’s fuck buddies: Julie (Cindy Manion) & Wanda (Jennifer Prichard ‘ she married her on screen boyfriend after the film was released!). So, we find out that not only do these four maniacs spend all of their time fucking at the health club, playing pranks on aerobics instructors, and smoking doobies while pumping iron’they also created a game out of killing locals. They have a wicked point system based on what age, race, sex, etc of the person they dismember’OH, and the girls take pictures of the carnage only to use as masturbation material later on. That’s fucking hot, eh? The gang plays a cruel prank on Melvin, which involves a sheep and a pink tutu. The prank goes a little too far when Melvin ends up falling in a barrel of toxic waste parked outside, catches on fire, and then literally boils himself in his mom’s bathtub while at the same time gruesomely turning into The Toxic Avenger (Mitch Cohen).

Now Tromaville is a town just like any other large metropolitan city and good cops seem hard to come by as is proven when we meet a gang of thugs trying to bribe an honest cop and our Hero, The Toxic Avenger (I will now lovingly refer to him as Toxie) saves the cop when the thugs threaten to blow his balls off for not being on the take. When I say, ’saves the cop’ I mean, Toxie decides to make hamburger out of the bad motherfuckers. Our good cop, Officer O’Clancy (Dick Martensen) tells the press about the monster hero who saved his life and we find out that the thugs were actually on the mayor’s payroll-so in short, the whole fucking city is corrupt starting with the mayor (Pat Ryan) down to creepy little old ladies who are involved in white slavery. Toxie attempts to go home to his mom, but she thinks he is a monster and refuses to let him stay there so he takes refuge in the local dump’which the mayor plans to turn into a toxic waste dump. After a brutal robbery at a taco joint goes sour, Toxie saves the day, meets his incredibly, and I mean ridiculously hot girlfriend Sara (Andree Maranda), who is blind. Since Sara is blind she has no idea that Toxie is the monster hero that everyone is talking about and doesn’t put it together until around the time they have hot mutant-blind girl sex. Fuck yeah.

Now the city is becoming virtually crime free due to the fact that Toxie just shows up whenever there is evil doings and the Mayor is freaking out because he and his cronies are losing control. We find out that Toxie has ‘Tromatons’ that go off in his body whenever crime or evil is present sorta like Spider-Man’s spider-sense, however Spider-Man doesn’t make milk shakes out of the bad guy’s face. In order to regain control over Tromaville, the mayor enlists the National Guard to stop Toxie (after he is accused of killing someone who is presumed innocent). The city sticks up for the hero, Toxie tears the mayor inside out, and we are told that whenever there is trouble we have no reason to fear because The Toxic Avenger will protect all of us.

I don’t know what to say about this film except that’it’s fucking brilliant. The gore is cheap and disgusting, there is ample amount of nudity, and the score is genius. We have heads being crushed, limbs being ripped off, little old ladies being dried & pressed, and hands being deep friend. There is some amazing 80’s music as well as some awesome eerie music during the kill scenes. This movie is BEGGING for a soundtrack!!!

I don’t know if directors Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz knew the impact they would have on independent film when they made this classic but considering the fan base for The Toxic Avenger series, it’s safe to say that Toxie put Troma on the map. If you are not familiar with Troma’s films, I suggest this is great place to start and continue down the path of anything written and/or directed by Lloyd Kaufman (see Tromeo & Juliet, Class of Nuke Em High, Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD, etc). Toxie and Troma set the bar for independent horror/cult films and Troma is to film what the Ramones were to Rock n Roll. Awesome.

There are a million versions of The Toxic Avenger in all sorts of cuts, forms, etc. The most complete and easily accessible version is Troma’s 2005 release ‘The 21st Anniversary Golden Edition double disc set’. Between the two discs you get everything you could ever want related to The Toxic Avenger including deleted scenes, interviews with the cast, fan made films, and enough commentaries to last you a month.

Seriously. If you haven’t seen this, it’s ok, just don’t admit it to anyone, and buy your copy now.

Charlie ‘What the Shit?’ Brown

Simpsons-Mania in Full Swing

In a world of overdone product placements and cross-promotions, it’s hard to appreciate an advertising scheme done well. Whatever the reason may be, ‘The Simpsons Movie’ and its surprisingly fun gimmicks have proven successful in winning over the most reluctant audiences.

The greatest example of the extremely fun gimmicks are the cross-promotions. The top of that bill is the transformation of 7-Elevens nationwide into the famed Kwik-E-Marts. Roughly 6,000 7-Elevens are now carrying Buzz Cola, KrustyO’s cereal and Squishees. And while the actual products are mediocre at best, they manage to get even the most aloof shopper in the Simpson spirit.

On a lighter note, even the cashiers dress in Apu uniforms - most of whom comically fit the stereotype.

While this is the best of the Simpsons Movie’s cross-promotions, check out the parallel campaigns at Burger King
and Jet Blue.

Advertising, when well done, should end up well for both parties. The cross-promotions following ‘The Simpsons Movie’ has ended up good for three parties - the movie, the companies and the audience which has something to get pretty excited about.

For example, 7-Eleven comes off as being part of a joke, not just paying “x-amount” for a mention. It’s a creative way of advertising to the masses, as opposed to just throwing a picture of the timely superhero near one of your establishment’s products - hoping someone connects the dots.

Ultimately, The Simpsons creators got it. They understand the fan base, and evne how to keep it growing. This is displayed exceptionally well in the competition between the various Springfield’s in the U.S. to host the Simpsons’ premiere, which was won out by Springfield, Vermont.

‘The Simpsons Movie’ comes out July 27. We’ll see if all this hubbub pays off where it counts - the box office.

Go Spartans!

The 300 is tale of ancient Greece, and a group of Spartan warriors making a stand against the invading armies of Xerxes, King of Persia. Our primary hero is warrior-king Leonidas (Gerard Butler), who defies law and leadership to defend his beloved Sparta. He takes 300 of his best men (all volunteers) on a preemptive defensive strike against the armies of Xerxes. There is only one way to get entrance to Sparta, and that is through a small mountain passage; which the 300 will defend to the last man.

Each wave of military might to converge on the soldiers gets larger and more violent in confrontation. Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro), being the all knowing warrior god that he is, recognizes Leonidas’ leadership and tries to get him to come to the other side. Leonidas politely declines the offer, and more battling ensues. While all of this takes place away from home, Leonidas wife, Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey), tries to defend the King’s actions and makes a plea for understanding to the people. This all leads to intrigue and a glorious final showdown between the outnumbered Spartans and the armies of Xerxes.

The 300 is adapted from Frank Miller and Lynn Varley’s graphic novel of the same name, and is as masterful in its own right. Director Zack Snyder has done a completely different film than his 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead, and it is a welcome turn. I hate to be an art nerd, but that’s what I am ‘ every frame of this film was like a painting from the neoclassical period. Those painters represented similar Greek and Roman stories in an idealized and fantastical environment. Each painting from artists like David and Ingres were meant to tell a story without words. The characters, mountains and skylines were not that of ancient Greece, but highly idealized versions much like the painters. I thought film had more similarities with paintings than with other movies, that’s what makes it stand out above the rest. Besides the visuals, I thoroughly enjoyed the 300; it was brutal, beautiful and thoroughly engaging.

By now, everyone probably knowns this was mostly filmed on a sound stage in front of a giant green screen. This, under most circumstances comes off as stale as 2 of the 3 last Star Wars films. But the characters, and scenery were seamlessly intertwined; kudos to the design team. And unlike the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, you are completely inside the action, mostly in slow motion. The masses of armies are so vast, they focus on the front lines mostly. Speaking of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, David Wenham (Faramir of LOTR) is in a supporting role as Dilios, fellow warrior to Leonidas. Since there was almost a fairy tale like story telling approach ( a very simple, straight forward story), I was completely sold on the fantasy. You get a brief back story on his life and the Spartan warrior class is started from childhood to adolescence, which was a throwback to high school when I first read stories about the Spartans. Man, the severed head count rivaled that of another one of my favorites, Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow.

The only little nitpick I have is that there were a lot of speeches. This really had the tendency to slow the pace down a little too much, and the slow romantic interludes didn’t help either. But this is a minor complaint, I get impatient sometimes. There was narration as in Miller’s Sin City, and it conveyed the graphic novel touch just as well. In one particular scene the narrator states that Leonidas is screaming, you see the slow motion image of Leonidas doing so, but you never hear a sound - oddly one of my favorite moments in the film (along with a fairly humorous scene about how civilized they are, all while the men are stacking a ton of dead bodies to create a defensive wall). The painterly touches of the film gave it something to stand on its own away from the book; you have never really ever seen anything quite like it before.

Extra Features:
Considering that this is a visual marvel, the extras on the DVD 2 disc set give insight into production design, and historical references. There are some deleted scenes, and Frank Miller stuff as well.

Ingmar Bergman Dead at 89.

I don’t even want to talk about it.

Source: shitty life.

Survival Horror Goes on Safari

Any gamer worth his weight in shotgun shells has played the survival horror opus that is “Resident Evil 4″. After taking the game’s direction somewhat away from zombies and the Umbrella corporation, Capcom created a masterful horror game that put almost all others to shame, both graphically and gameplay wise. Shortly after, a teaser trailer was released for “Resident Evil 5″ but only showed the main character running from some unknown force.

Well, for all of you who have been shitting your pants for the past two years, Capcom released a full trailer at E3, and the game looks quite amazing. Advertised for the Xbox 360, “Resident Evil 5″ finds players assuming the role of original “RE” hero, Chris Redfield. This time, we find our protagonist in what looks like an African country, tracking down Umbrella while dealing with natives who are acting similarly violent to the Ganados from the 4th installment.

Check out the trailer on over at GameTrailers.com (also available in HD) and get ready to reimmerse yourself in the familiar mood of Capcom’s proudest horror franchise.

Someone kill ME!

I know who killed me! It was Donny for asking me to go and watch Lindsay Lohan’s latest. I will admit to being a huge Lindsay Lohan fan (”Just My Luck” opening weekend, baby!), but not even a girl crush on LiLo can overcome the fact that the movie is an incoherent mess.

Lindsay plays Aubrey Fleming, a college-age gal, so passionate about writing that she neglects both her boyfriend and her piano lessons. Her sexuality must be channeled in some form, so we assume maybe it’s that pole dancing that opened the movie. And there are some lusty glances at the gardener/pool boy type, who shows up for two scenes. Then sadly, since Aubrey is kidnapped, we never see that guy again. Also, missing after the first act is Aubrey herself. When she wakes up in the hospital, she claims to be Dakota Moss.

Dakota is the opposite of Aubrey, and we (as do the police, though not as thoughtfully) wonder if perhaps this Dakota is the byproduct of pent-up sexual repression combined with post traumatic stress disorder. After all, Aubrey/Dakota is now missing half a leg and half an arm. Her parents are there to offer support. Mom even goes so far as to endure a lengthy scene of scrubbing the kitchen while her daughter has loud sex upstairs. The problem with all of these scenes though is that this is Dakota. As she insists, she’s not Aubrey! So that girl we sort of got to know in the first act is gone. And by sort of I mean that as a complaint against the jumbled editing of the first act.

I kind of doubt there’s any sort of philosophy that’s meant to compliment the blood, sex and gore. Really, this movie seems like an excuse to capitalize on Lindsay’s sexpot media image. Once Lindsay seemed happy to be a girl next door type; a kind of down to earth every-gal. Unfortunately, Lindsay has been transforming herself on screen into the type of girl next door you’d find on the E! TV show of the same name. Between this and “Georgia Rule,” it’s obvious that film directors (and perhaps Lindsay herself) don’t quite know how to harness her raw sexuality. The so-called stripper scenes are done in such pretentious slow-moed glory that it’s hardly sexual. It’s more like that glamour shop at the mall that allows women to get photographed with a feather boa and a fuzzy lens.

As for the actual story of “I Know who Killed Me,” it seems obvious that the internet has made today’s Hollywood writer lazy. Dakota/Aubrey literally types in a few key words into Ask Jeeves and Bam! We have a plot! A plot that has been used in plenty of horror films before, but prior to consulting the internet, there’s no evidence that the plot works in this movie. As for the special effects, cinematography, sound quality and even the production design, they’re all quite amateurish. Throughout the film, blue is used to indicate Aubrey and red to indicate Dakota. But if Aubrey only wore blue and now Dakota has inherited her closet, where exactly did all those red cleavage enhancing clothes come from?? The sequence where Lindsay utters the titular line is just laughable and amateurish.

Earlier this week, Lindsay famously fell off the wagon and got charged with another DUI and cocaine possession. Consequently, she cancelled all of her press to promote this movie. It makes me sad. I really wanted to hear her try to talk positively about a movie this crappy.

The Scent of a Woman

When I first read about ‘Perfume: The Story of a Murderer,’ I wasn’t very impressed. It sounded like a tame serial killer flick about a young man with a nose for murder. I skimmed over the review (which I rarely do) and continued on my merry way. However, I got a copy and decided to give it a chance. When the closing credits began to roll, I remained in my seat, attempting to put a finger on any of the hundreds of emotions that were running through my body. I felt moved, saddened, enlightened, awed, and more importantly, angry at myself for dismissing this film before I even gave it a chance.

‘Perfume’ tells the story of Jean-Baptiste Grunuis (Ben Whishaw), who is born in the slums of 18th century Paris. To make things worse, he literally plops out of his vagrant mother who is working at a fish market and lands in a pile of fish guts. And so begins his wonderful, yet, heartbreaking relationship with the sense of smell. Jean-Baptiste has an exceptional olfactory sense and uses it to teach himself about things, (being that nobody else cares enough to do so); particularly things with beautiful smells. Constantly neglected and looked down upon, a now slightly older Jean-Baptiste works at a tannery where he’s cruelly beaten and mistreated, working for next to nothing. When acclaimed Parisian perfumist Giuseppe Baldini (Dustin Hoffman) comes to the tannery, Jean-Baptiste begs to work for him. Baldini refuses immediately, leaving Jean-Baptiste to his life of torment. When delivering Baldini’s tanning order, Jean-Baptiste finds out that Baldini is having trouble creating a new scent and that his rival perfumist has created something amazing that’s going to put him out of business. Using his acute sense, Jean-Baptiste takes one whiff of the perfume, then without even reading the bottles, uses his talent to gather every ingredient needed to make the scent. Baldini is left floored and realizes that if he wants to continue his work, he needs this kid. The two continue to work together to create magnificent perfumes that enamour the richest of Parisians, but Jean-Baptiste still isn’t satisfied. After he follows a young woman whose scent attracts his attention, he confusingly murders her and then proceeds to smell every inch of her body. He is obsessed with this scent and can’t understand how to capture it. Shortly after her death, the scent fades away and he is left broken and confused. Determined to capture the perfect scent, Jean-Baptiste ventures on a grisly and dark journey of murder and obsession in order to perfectly capture what he believes to be the human soul, the key ingredient to the perfect scent. He’s able to prow and conduct his experiments without suspicion until he lays his eyes on the beautiful daughter of wealthy and upper-class Parisian, Lord Richie (an always stellar Alan Rickman) who is determined that his daughter will not be the next variable in Jean-Baptiste’s work.

‘Perfume’ is literally and metaphorically a beautiful film. As of 2006, this was the most expensive German movie ever filmed and it shows. The sets are awe-inspiring, from the pale shanty towns of Paris, to the dim Dr. Frankenstein-esque laboratory of Baldini, to the colorful and exquisite landscape of Richie’s manor (which includes a very tense and still beautiful sequence in the manor’s hedge-maze). The colors are exuberant, the acting is phenomenal, especially on the parts of Whishaw, Hoffman, and Rickman. The script and plot (based off of the original novel Patrick Süskind) keep the story refreshing and surprising, taking it in directions that you wouldn’t imagine. The film (which spans a bit over 2 hours) culminates into a beautiful, moving ending that should leave the more deep-thinking film-lover completely sated. The score is absolutely magnificent as well, capturing moods and atmosphere on every string and bow, gliding you through every emotion the movie throws at you.

I’m not a huge fan of period pieces because they usually fall into the same contrived plots and social-class conflicts of their times, but ‘Perfume’ is vitally fresh and uses its era to pure perfection. This movie could not work in any other time period, PERIOD. I would highly recommend this movie to any filmgoer who has patience, emotions and an eye for true beauty. If you’re looking for pure gore and violence, you won’t find it here. Though the film features some very graphic scenes, as well as lots of nudity, it’s nothing that will get an 80s horror buff ‘in the mood.’ But if you want to see an amazing story of loneliness, curiosity and obsession, I would highly recommend ‘Perfume.’ It’s nearly impossible to not enjoy. So check it out and I guarantee that within the first ten minutes, it will already have you under its smell. I mean, spell.

The Hidden Message: Stanley Kubrick said that the novel ‘Perfume’ was unfilmable. I wish someone would have told him that about the screenplay for ‘Eyes Wide Shut’. Way to go out with a gang-bang, Stan.

Roses are Red…Violets are Blue…You’re Gonna Die.

You don’t think Canada has a place in history for producing horror classics, eh? Put down the latest WB PG-13 ‘horror’ piece of shit and do yourself a favor’It’s time to go to small town Nova Scotia and see what a slasher film REALLY is’

‘”My Bloody (fucking) Valentine (eh)!”

How’s this for starters: FIRST scene of the movie; Guy and Girl go down a mineshaft to hump. How romantic. They ever so carefully wear their gas masks on the way down, but once down there the girl removes her mask, (she looks oddly like Christopher Walken with a blond wig), and the dude (we never see his face) stabs her through her heart tattoo (which looks more like a sharpie drawing than a tattoo), and BAM: ‘My Bloody Valentine’ flashes across the screen and YOU get goose bumps.

We are told that today is Thursday Feb 12 and we cut to a gang of horny miners all showering together talking about all the ways they plan to deflower the local girls after the Valentines Day dance. Oh, and did I forget to mention the small mining town they all live in is called ‘Valentine’s Bluff’? (wink wink)’ After some discussion we find out that this is the first Valentines Day dance in 20 years. (’Why’ you ask? Hold your horses cowboy, these things take time!)’ Some lame pick up lines show us exactly who is and isn’t going to get laid out of our gang of ‘heroes’ and we meet ‘T.J’ (Paul Kelman) a man who works with all the miners, but the other guys don’t dig him cause he doesn’t treat the local girls QUITE as shitty as the other miners do. After Mayor Hanniger (Larry Reynolds) receives a human heart and a warning to not have the dance he alerts the police that the shit is going to hit the fan. Next comes the flashback scene’the local drunk tells the booze-hound miners about exactly what happened that caused our little town to postpone the Valentine’s festivities for 20 years. We find out that 20 years ago on Valentine’s Day, a group of miners were in a rush to get to the Valentine’s Day dance, so they shut down without turning off the methane gas and not doing a proper headcount, there is an explosion, and everyone except Harry Warden (Peter Cowper) died in the explosion, Harry was committed then released one year later. Upon his release Harry killed the supervisors who left him down in the mineshaft and nailed their hearts to people’s doors and/or filled candy boxes WITH bloody hearts. According to the barkeep/local drunk, Harry returns every Valentine’s Day to kill whoever happens to be mulling around. So to make a long story short: in Valentine’s Bluff, Valentine’s Day doesn’t exist (for fear of Harry’s murderous ways), until today. Got it?

While our decorator ‘Mable’ (Patricia Hamilton) gets offed by a madman with a gas mask & pickaxe we learn that T.J. & ‘Axel’ (Neil Affleck) are fighting over Sarah (Lori Hallier). It seems that T.J. used to go out with Sarah but then ‘went away’ for a while, and while he was gone, Howard moved in on Sarah and the rest’is Valentine’s Bluff history. One more thing: the mental hospital has no record of a patient named Harry Warden. Eerie, eh? I am not doing it justice, it actually is.

As people start dying, the officials decide the only safe thing to do is cancel the dance, and what do the miners and girls decide to do???

HAVE A VALENTINE’S PARTY IN THE MINE SHAFTS!!!

Of course.

People fight, people die, and people drink beer out of stubby bottles-it’s so cute and Canadian. After a lengthy (but bite-your-nails-tense) underground run and chase sequence, we’re down to a small handful of survivors and it all culminates in a twist ending that M. Knight would be proud of and then a crazy uncredited song (which sounds suspiciously like Canada’s own Gordie Lightfoot) plays and you are left wanting a sequel.

The kill scenes are well thought out, and Paul Zaza’s score is fucking great. At times it sounds like Fantasia, at other times it sounds like the music on The Haunted Mansion ride at Disney World. The movie itself looks great considering the amount of time that is spent in the mineshafts. It would have been real easy for this movie to consist of a bunch of black screens (ala old Texas Chainsaw Massacre prints), but it’s wonderfully clear and the detail is impeccable.

This movie kicks ass. It’s a typical post “Friday the 13th” slasher film from the 80’s. It’s got gore, implied nudity, moustaches and crazy mad man poetry. ‘The Miner’ has all the makings of a franchise killer that could have EASILY spawned a bunch of sequels, giving Canada their own Jason Voorhees but no, director George Mihalka dropped the ball by NOT giving us a part 2, 3, 4, etc. I do have an idea how we can fix this though. I think writer John Beaird should sue the fucking pants off Kevin ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ Williamson (because it’s virtually a remake of “My Bloody Valentine”) and with the winnings he should head back to Nova Scotia and begin work on those sequels.

Seriously though, as I mentioned ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’, and all of ‘those’ kind of WB horror movies owe so much to “My Bloody Valentine”‘even if they don’t know it. I know Williamson has given props to “MBV” in the past, and I also know that “IKWYDLS” was actually based on a book written by Lois Duncan so I can’t completely blame Williamson for his blatant ‘homage’ to MBV, but honestly, put Jennifer Love Hewitt in a miner’s outfit and Freddie Prinze Jr in a gas mask and it’s the same film’just set in Canada and with a little more tension. Luckily, “MBV” IS on DVD, and the print Paramount released looks and sounds stunning. However, apparently 9 minutes of gore were cut BEFORE the release in 1981 and even though you would have expected it to be restored for the DVD release, sadly it wasn’t.

Let’s hope we get an uncut special edition on this one some day’

In the meantime, rent it’better yet, call Jennifer Love Hewitt over, then call me over, then leave so we can watch it without you bugging us and we’ll tell you how it ends.

Charlie ‘I showed you how to do it with the left nostril right?’ Brown

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